Crazy About You
by AbstractFelicity
Summary: After consummating their desire Ed and Roy must deal with an unplanned pregnancy. The military is very interested in Mustang's curious condition and Edward gets a taste of fatherhood. Roy is the victim. WARNING: language, yaoi, MPREG!
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I obviously DO NOT own FMA Characters. I just play with them.

WARNING: Major Yaoi, Mpreg, some language, mild violence

STORY: Loosely follows the events of FMA Manga

* * *

**CHAPTER 1 – Edward's Big Score**

"It's sunrise, Ed. We've been at it all night, brother. You could use some fresh air and exercise." Al observed absentmindedly. He could not feel physical fatigue but his mind was bored and he was sick of Ed kicking his chair. Ed anxiously scanned the same page over and over again, looking for any information on the alchemists that ran Lab 5. His fingers were itching and his mind raced and jumped from idea to idea, but he just couldn't seem to focus on anything. _Screw this_, _I just can't do this anymore!_ Edward cursed under his breath, breaking the pencil in half. _Sexual maturity is overrated! You get horny and suddenly you can't get anything done. _

His thoughts kept returning to the time last week when he had stumbled upon Colonel Mustang who was shamelessly snoozing in the library. They wrestled playfully to relieve stress and in the midst of the fight the Colonel laughed and kissed Edward right on the mouth. Too bad they were interrupted by the mousy librarian Czeska, but Ed's groin was on fire for an hour afterwards. He hated the Colonel's big mouth, but the incident forced him to admit just how much he wanted the man. In fact nowadays it felt like Edward spent ALL his time wanting the Colonel.

"You said something, Al?" he mumbled.

"Winry wants to go to Rush Valley again, brother. You know she goes crazy because of all the tools they sell there. She's dreaming of staying there as an apprentice."

"Ahhh, you _like _Winry," Ed teased his younger sibling, "you can't stop talking about her." He could imagine Al blush, but the metal armor that has become his body yielded no such emotion. Edward suddenly felt so guilty for robbing his younger brother of a human body that could fully experience a crush on a pretty girl.

"Just a little," Al admitted. "I miss hanging out with her, you know?"

"Well, we are getting older and we don't have to spend every waking moment glued to each other, Al," Ed said apologetically. "There's nothing wrong with spending some time apart. Why don't you go with Winry to Rush Valley for a few days?"

"Really? What about you brother?"

"I need to stick around here," Ed shrugged, getting up. "I gotta go see Mustang about that incident at the Alchemy Research Institute."

"Oh my, I heard the Colonel almost got killed there, brother. Are you sure he's well enough to speak to you?"

"Oh yeah," Edward grinned mischievously, "he was _very_ _fine_ last time I saw him."

* * *

Ed stood by the door for a few minutes, practicing a proper facial expression. Roy Mustang had an uncanny ability to piss him off and Ed made it his mission not to fall for the Colonel's teasing this time.

"Come in already," came the man's voice from the other side of the door and Ed stepped in, sulking. He expected Colonel Mustang to be behind his desk, smirking condescendingly above his paperwork, but instead he found the object of his hidden desire sprawled on the office couch, disheveled and underdressed. It was barely 7:00AM and Mustang looked like he hadn't slept alone the night before. His shirt collar was smudged with crimson lipstick.

"Wild night at the brothel, Colonel?" Ed chuckled, sitting down next to the couch. "You're one shameless womanizer, I tell'ya!" Colonel's eyes were laughing at Edward.

"How old are you Fullmetal, 17? At your tender age I don't expect you to understand," Roy said playfully, running his long fingers through his luxurious black hair. "And it wasn't the brothel. It was Officer Lounge."

"Bah! Same difference!" Fullmetal exclaimed.

"Don't be jealous, Edward. General Hakuro has finally learned to appreciate me. Judging by the way he talked about me at the Officer Party last night, I'm due for another promotion soon, Fullmetal. Yes, a few more parties like the one last night and I'll be Furor!"

Ed narrowed his eyes in annoyance.

"I hope your new plan is not to fuck your way to the top, Mustang?" Ed said as dramatically as he could. "Hakuro is an ass-kisser for the higher-ups and you can't trust him. I saw how he looks at you and I doubt he wants anything other than to bend you over."

Ed's grin widened, seeing the dark-haired man bristle in indignation at the younger Alchemist's suggestion. Mustang sat up and glared at the blond alchemist.

"Shut up!" he hissed. "You got some nerve to drop hints about General Hakuro like that. He's a married man with impeccable reputation. Besides, I would never solicit sex from another man."

"You solicited it from me?" Colonel Mustang rolled his eyes at Edward's forward remark.

"I hope you realize that last week's kiss was a game, Fullmetal? I wasn't seducing you."

"Yeah right! You stuck your tongue right into my mouth, you jerk! You realize what it did to my nice peaceful world, you morally bankrupt sex monster!" Ed growled, jumping up from the chair. "It might just take a fake human to satisfy your enormous libido, Mustang!"

"It will certainly take more than a pipsqueak like you!" The Colonel shot back.

"AAAAR! Don't call me _small_!" Edward demanded, making a fist. "Pick a bet, you bully, and I'll show you who's a pipsqueak!"

"You came to ask me something Fullmetal? Ask it or get the hell out," Mustang waved his right hand, yawning. "I have work to do."

"PICK A BET, you coward!" Ed kicked the couch, feeling his face turn red from rage. "Or I'll punch you in the face!"

"You would lay hands on your superior, Edward Elric?" Mustang frowned.

"With pleasure!"

"Fine. I'll beat you in an old-fashioned arm-wresting match," the Colonel said smugly, positioning his arm onto the coffee table.

"No more games, Mustang. You know what I want! If I lose you pick your terms," Ed's grin grew wider, "but if I win, you give yourself to me. All the way!" The Colonel eyed Edward condescendingly and smirked.

Edward felt his body tighten and tingle when his fingers touched the man's hot palm, locking in a tight grip as the two alchemists prepared to arm-wrestle. From where he sat Edward could smell the Colonel's crisp cologne. He watched the man lick his lips in anticipation, becoming more and more aroused as Mustang slowly closed and opened his onyx eyes. _He is so handsome, I can look at him non-stop for all eternity! _Edward moaned slightly when the Colonel reached up to remove a few strands of Edward's hair away from the young alchemist's face.

"Yes, no more games. I want to see your eyes Fullmetal," Roy said patiently as he massaged Edward's hand with his long well-groomed fingers. "I need to know that you're ready."

"As ready as I'll ever be!" Edward exclaimed, unexpectedly slamming Roy's arm against the glass before the Colonel had time to react. "Strike quickly and you'll end it quickly, didn't you teach me that? I win!"

With a delightful growl the elder Elric went on the offensive, aggressively embracing Mustang's neck and shamelessly tearing open the man's white shirt so that he can kiss the hot flesh beneath.

"Come on, Fullmetal!" Mustang laughed, halfheartedly pushing Edward away, " not in the office, not at 7:00AM!"

"I'm still healing from my wounds, you rabid shrimp!" he protested, but Mustang saw Edward's teenage determination and despite the joking nature of their dispute he couldn't renege on his word.

Nor could he deny himself something he'd wanted for so long. Edward Elric has grown from a scrawny brat into a handsome horny buck with crazy energy. He was so stuffed with hormones that his sex drive was unstoppable and Roy was in the mood to be reckless. Edward was hungrily kissing his stomach and Roy was quickly becoming erect. He struggled out of his uniform trousers and assisted his eager lover to free his own erection from the confines of his black pants. Ed ran his fingers down Roy's muscular stomach, stopping to kiss each battle scar that represented the Colonel's violent past.

"Shhhh, don't you dare to open your mouth." Edward leaned over to cover the man's lips with his, raking his fingers through the black silk that was Mustang's hair.

"I'll let you lead, Fullmetal, but not without protection," Mustang whispered as Edward prepared to get between the man's parted legs.

"Hah, for you sake or for mine?" Edward grinned. "With all that whoring you've been doing I probably should be worried about catching something!" Mustang rolled his eyes.

"You're still so immature Fullmetal, it's for _both_ of us."

"Yeah, yeah, so I don't accidently knock you up? Come on," he laughed, petting Roy's erect groin, "don't be ridiculous! Can't we just have fun without worries for once?" Mustang narrowed his eyes in frustration, but he was too aroused not to give in.

"Alright. Here, put the fucking salve on and let's go, Fullmetal! I'm about to fall asleep!" Edward silenced his teasing victim with another hungry kiss. Their tongues met and sparred while his fingers spread the apricot-smelling substance all over Roy's thighs.

"Nice body, Mustang. With a cock this size, I see why you're all the rage with the ladies!"

"You better not disappoint me shorty!" Roy bit his lip to avoid crying out in pain and ecstasy when Edward pushed in all the way without warning or preparation and begun pumping furiously.

"Don't call me SMALL!" Edward growled, "I'm big where it counts!"

"Bloody hell…you...are huge where it counts Fullmetal! But…slow…WAAAAY down…I can barely catch my breath!"

"That's the idea!" Edward grinned devilishly, digging his fingers into his lover's backside. "You're so beautiful when your mouth is shut. You should focus on feeling, not talking." Roy rolled his onyx eyes for the third time but said nothing. Instead he wrapped his legs tighter around his young lover's waist and threw his head back, quietly moaning from pleasure. It was going to be a good day.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2 – The Experiment**

"Sir! You wanted to see me?"

"At ease, General. You're here on an unofficial business, so relax. Have a seat." General Hakuro proudly took a seat in front of Furor Bradley, prepared to listen.

"I want a senior officer with a calm head to take over a mission of great importance, General. It's a pretty unusual request that calls for, shall I say, some bending of the rules."

Major General Hakuro sat up as straight as his back would allow, barely able to contain himself. He was a proud military man who rose quickly through the ranks because he didn't think twice about saying YES when it mattered, and with the annual officer bonuses coming up he put extra effort to score points with the Furor.

"Give your orders, Sir," the man said confidently.

"Don't you want to know what the mission is first?" The Furor asked patiently. Seeing that the General was hell-bent on pleasing him no matter what he requested, Bradley continued in a hushed voice.

"Our Chimera Operation is collapsing. Despite years of research we can't seem to get it right. Tucker came close, but his chimeras have a weak immune system and are dying from common disease. The new human/animal hybrids are unstable and have no loyalty. What's worse these beasts refuse to breed. Instead of mating they turn on each other."

"That's bad news, Furor, but how can I help? I'm not a scientist."

"I discovered of a new direction for our Chimera research," the Furor said calmly. "Have you ever heard of the "true chimeras" General?"

"You mean people naturally born with two sets of DNA? Yes, Sir, of course. They're extremely rare."

"Dr. Dreus brought to my attention that Colonel Mustang is such a person."

General Hakuro perked up at the mention of the younger alchemist he had mentored.

"Mustang and Lieutenant Havoc were nearly killed at the Alchemic Research Institute a couple months ago when a crazed female criminal attacked them. Mustang's blood was drawn at the hospital and Dr. Dreus discovered that our famous womanizer is a curious genetic blend of two different DNAs. Male and female. He's a true, naturally born chimera."

"Fascinating. You couldn't tell by looking at him." Hakuro mused, highly intrigued.

"That's the beauty of it, General. Nature has a way of designing a perfect chimera that is intelligent, strong, obeys orders, and has an enormous sex drive. What's more, a naturally born chimera will not be susceptible to human disease and will breed on its own."

"It is fascinating, but I still don't see-"

"I've read somewhere that male/female DNA blends like our friend the Colonel can be fertile. Despite his years of sleeping around Roy never got any woman pregnant, which leads me to believe that his female DNA dominates his reproductive organs. And this is where you come in."

General Hakuro stared at his superior in shock and suspicion. For a moment the Furor's face changed into something scary and inhuman. The look in the man's eye became vicious and totally terrifying. For a split second Hakuro thought that Bradley was not a man at all, but some frightening imitation of a human being – a Homunculus. He's heard the rumors spreading around Central that the creatures were real and they had infiltrated the military. Hakuro wasn't sure how to tell an artificial human from the real thing, except that for a moment his gut told him that the man before him was a monster. But then Bradley smiled reassuringly and Hakuro chased the thought away. _Homunculus may very well be real, but Furor Bradley cannot be one of them._

"I want to see if you can get him pregnant, General," the Furor explained cheerfully. "You being the father will ensure that the Military can legally take custody of the child if and when it's born. We can learn so much about how to create the perfect chimera from such an offspring. You will single-handedly save our entire Chimera Research Operation. I will be in your debt."

"Well, thank you, Furor. I'd be happy to oblige. But how do I get Mustang to play ball? He isn't exactly looking to get knocked up for the sake of a scientific experiment? Besides, there's got to be a way to find a true chimera with a blended DNA of two females. Colonel Mustang is not known for being easily controlled."

"That is precisely why I want HIM to take a 9-month vacation," Furor chuckled. "Roy has an irritating talent for meddling in things he has no business with. He's been sniffing around Lab 5, now he's into digging up dirt on senior brass. Having him out of my way for the rest of the year would be an added benefit."

"You haven't answered my question, Furor. How do I-"

"That is your job to figure out! Appeal to his ego, bribe him with promotions, seduce him, threaten him, I don't care. You can use the Elric brothers as your leverage, since Mustang is fond of them. Or you can use this…"

The Furor opened his drawer and extracted a slim black box which contained three thin syringes.

"Lieutenant Jean Havoc is paralyzed from the waist-down since the Alchemy Research Institute attack, as you might recall, and I hear Mustang is all broken up about it. He is desperate to find a way to cure his subordinate. This serum will force the nerve cells to regenerate. Roy is soft-hearted when it comes to his men, I'm sure he'll cooperate if you dangle this in front of him. Good luck, General, and remember, this is confidential."

Hakuro nodded and prepared to exit when he again felt like something dark and monstrous was watching him. The gravity of what he was ordered to do was starting to sink in and he suddenly felt like a fly trapped in a spider's web with no way out.

"Getting someone pregnant isn't a precise science, Sir," he hesitated. "What if I fail?"

"Well, your _own_ kids have a pretty unusual blood type, don't they, General?" the Furor said coldly. "They can be used as test subjects just as well."

Horrified by the Furor's threat to harm his children Hakuro hurried toward the door. Before exiting he glanced up in the full-size mirror next to the door only to catch the same empty, vicious stare he'd seen a moment ago. _My God, the Furor is a Homunculus! _


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3 – Betrayed Trust**

_Oh I wish Mustang would hurry up and get back to Central so I can ask him about that bastard Tucker_, Edward thought angrily as he strode toward the Central Command Tower. The military promised to execute the madman after he turned his little daughter into a sorry monster by blending her body with that of a dog, but now Edward learned that Tucker was not only alive and well, but that he was back at work creating Chimeras at the new research facility. Edward's bitterness at little Nina's horrible end hasn't subsided over the years, but he had to admit to himself that he wanted to see Mustang for reasons other than Shou Tucker.

After they had sex on the couch at Mustang's office Ed wanted to kiss and snuggle with his older lover, but the Colonel got dressed and dismissed him so abruptly that Fullmetal felt conned. _Was I just another one of Mustang's endless sexual conquests? Some kinky fantasy of his that means nothing now that it's fulfilled? _Ed told himself that he could no longer live and work in peace unless he got some answers. He was hopelessly in love with his commanding officer and needed to know if the feeling was mutual.

* * *

Mustang was leaning back in his chair with a tired look on his face.

"That green skin tone really brings out your eyes, Colonel," Ed chuckled, closing the door with his foot. "Did they feed you expired military rations at Northern?" He pretended to be cocky but his gut was full of butterflies at the sight of his love. _Man, I can just stare at him forever._

"Yes, probably," Roy smiled, "I spent the whole morning vomiting my guts out and my stomach is still unsettled, but enough about me. What's the matter Fullmetal, you insisted on seeing me after hours and now you suddenly got nothing to say?"

"I think I love you Roy," Ed shrugged, looking down and blushing. He practiced this so many times, and he meant to say something witty, but truth is all that he could say.

"Each time I see you I want to kiss you for being so freaking handsome and confident, but then I want to punch you for being an arrogant, careerist jack-ass. But I'll forgive you for being a jack-ass, because I'm crazy about you."

"Love, huh?" Mustang rubbed his temples, fighting nausea again. "Love is a very big word Edward," he said seriously as he got up and motioned for Edward to come closer. He held the younger alchemist in a firm embrace, holding Ed's face with both of his hands and lovingly caressing his cheeks. "Don't use it casually because it comes with a lot of responsibility you might not yet ready for. I don't give out my heart very easily."

"Please don't trivialize how I feel!" Edward cried in frustration. "I'm young, I get it! But I'm old enough to tell real love from casual crush. I used to have no clue what I would do with myself after I found a way to restore Al to a human body. Now it's so obvious. I want to be close to you."

Mustang's smile grew wider. Edward's sincerity was disarming and he so desperately wanted to believe that he still had a chance at that one true love. He's had lovers, too many to count, but he's closed his heart to love since Maes Hughes' funeral. But now he was starting to believe in love again.

Roy ran his lips up and down Edward's neck, kissing his chin and nibbling his ears. Edward's hands traveled up and down Mustang's lower back as their tongues caressed and sparred with each other in their mouths.

"Damn you, Fullmetal for making me love you this much," Roy whispered between their hungry kisses. "If you break my heart I'll be a jack-ass and fry you. Slowly." Edward giggled delightfully. _Maybe this once it wasn't a game with him? I love him, and he loves me back…._

A sudden loud knock on the door interrupted their fondling.

"Are you back, Colonel? I got some business I'd like to discuss with you."

"It's that damn weasel Hakuro?!" Edward cried angrily as Mustang quickly straightened out his uniform and buttoned his shirt back up. "What business could he have with you at 9PM?! I told you to stay away from him!"

"It's NOT what you think, little love," the Colonel hissed back. "I love you, but I still have to work Edward. Now march on out of here before you fuck up my chance for promotion. He was nice enough to let me off the hook this morning because of my nausea, but I can't say no to him again."

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of," Edward hesitated. "That you won't say NO to him."

"For the 100th time, I am NOT sleeping with Hakuro, Fullmetal! You can't be jealous of every superior officer that requests my time after business hours. Now OUT!" Roy planted a gentle kiss on Ed's nose and playfully mussed his younger lover's thick blond hair. "I told you I love you, so no sulking."

* * *

"I hope you like your new office, Colonel" the General said warmly, closing and locking the door as he entered. "I saw to it that you got one with a view."

"It's very kind of you, Sir." Mustang kept remembering Fullmetal's warning to stay away from the General, but he had no ill feelings toward Hakuro. The General was nothing but helpful since Mustang was transferred to Central. Until this moment Roy had no reason to distrust the man.

"It's a shame, really, that a man of your good looks must toil over skull-numbing paperwork on a Friday night," the General remarked as he positioned himself behind Mustang, so close that the Colonel could feel his superior's breath on the back of his neck. "You should be out on the town, making babies. And what's this?"

"Some medical records I pulled," Roy admitted carefully, sensing the General's hand reaching past his shoulder and into the pile of manila folders on his desk. "For Jean Havoc, Sir."

"Ah yes, that poor kid. A real patriot, if you ask me. To sacrifice his health for the country, one can't be a more loyal soldier than that." Mustang felt the General's body come in contact with his back.

"How can I assist you, Sir?" Mustang said testily.

"I've been watching you come up through the ranks for a while now, Colonel," General Hakuro said, placing both his hands on Mustang's shoulders and massaging them firmly. "Such an exquisite and determined man you are, it's hard not to notice you."

"What is it that you _want_, Sir?" Mustang was appalled and quickly begun to lose his patience. Hakuro's arms were traveling down his spine and toward his hips.

"Weelll…I thought, perhaps, in exchange for a little something from you I could pull some strings and help Lt. Havoc," the General whispered into Roy's ear, while his left hand slipped inside Roy's pants and begun to shamelessly caress his groin. "Equivalent exchange, isn't it what you alchemists call it?"

"Sir!?" Mustang couldn't believe this was actually happening. "You are way out of line." Hakuro was his mentor, a respected General, the Furor's right hand, and a married man with two young children. And yet here he was, doing exactly what Fullmetal said he would do. _What an idiot I've been not to see this coming! _

"I got access to a serum that helps nerve cells to regenerate. It's not available to the public, but I can arrange for Lt. Havoc to receive it. He will walk again."

Mustang shivered in rage as the details of the offer became clear to him.

"Fucking with my superiors is _not _one of my duties, Sir," Colonel Mustang said through gritted teeth. "Leave my cock alone!" He tried to shove the General away but Hakuro placed him in a cruel chockhold, threatening to break his neck if he moved even an inch.

"I'm a patient man, Colonel, but I won't put up with insubordination! Come on, quit struggling! Surely I'm more of a man than that adolescent pipsqueak Edward Elric you've been screwing!"

"Go to hell," Mustang snapped. "I trusted you and you betrayed me, you bastard!"

"I don't think you understand me, Colonel. I'm offering you a sweet deal! If you refuse me, I'll have your little lover Fullmetal court-martialed and executed. But if you do as you're told, I'll take good care of you and your career. And I will keep my word about your man Havoc. You just can't say NO to an offer like that."

Roy winced at the thought of General Hakuro touching his naked flesh, but he nodded quietly and unbuttoned his belt, allowing his pants to drop on the floor. He always had good intuition about people, but he was wrong about Hakuro and it stung him deeply that someone he trusted so completely has betrayed his trust in such a disgusting way. But he couldn't risk the General making good on his threat to court-martial Edward, and he wanted to help Havoc, which meant Hakuro was right. He could not say no.


	4. Chapter 4

**WHO RULES? **FMA Yaoi fans!

**WHO DO I LOVE? **the awesome readers who review my story, as well as those awesome people who placed it under favorites and added me to story watch/author alert! Thank you ALL for your support!

**Chapter 4 – The End of the Womanizer**

"You requested to see me, General Hakuro?" Furor Bradley sipped his tea as the younger officer nervously took a seat in front of him. "And this couldn't wait until the officer meeting?"

"This is about the chimera research, Sir." Bradley immediately motioned for his bodyguards to get out.

"Yes, yes, I suspect you've been successful, General!" he said cheerfully. "My spies tell me Mustang hasn't been feeling all that well lately. Morning sickness, I guess. I must say I'm really impressed with you. One time and you got him-"

"I didn't, Sir." Hakuro looked down to avoid the Furor's questioning stare. "Believe me, I watched my wife through two pregnancies, I'm fairly certain he's with child. But I can't be the father! Doc tells me I got low sperm count, Sir. And the timing doesn't add up. He told me he was nauseous the night I slept with him, which probably means he was already pregnant then." Furor Bradley slammed his tea cup back onto the saucer, his face twisting in anger. _Humans really ARE useless! You give them a simple order and they make a mess of it!_

"Do you know who the father is?" the king asked evenly. "I was unaware that we had competition."

"Edward Elric, Sir. Rumor has it they've been romancing each other for some time, but I doubt they planned this pregnancy to spite us. Mustang himself doesn't seem to know. It's just a coincidence that it happened this way."

"Oh how I _hate_ coincidences! Damn that little bastard Fullmetal!" Bradley growled, massaging his temples. "And damn YOU for allowing this to happen! Fullmetal is young but he's not to be underestimated. He'll turn this thing into an enormous stinking mess, and after Lab 5 I don't want any more noisy problems. I want Edward out of the picture, you understand? Break them up. And put Mustang on a _very_ short leash. I want him confined, find some excuse, I'll authorize it."

"I don't want to be cruel," Hakuro hesitated. "Tucker's lab gives me the creeps. Please Sir, let me deal with Mustang my way. There's no reason to imprison him."

Bradley watched Hakuro with his unyielding, cold eye and the General shifted uncomfortably. He knew Bradley was a Homunculus monster and his loyalty to the king was starting to wear off.

"Fine, be spineless if you want, Hakuro," Bradley said coldly. "But I want you personally to watch over him like your life depends on it. Because it does! Don't screw this up, you're running out of second chances, General."

* * *

Central hasn't changed much since Ed and Al left on another journey almost two months ago, but it felt as if they've been gone for a year because so much has happened. Winry became an apprentice to an automail mechanic in Rush Valley after she helped deliver the man's granddaughter. Having witnessed the miracle of childbirth, Alphonse finally found the courage to tell Winry that he loved her. She was crying and laughing at the same time, and she swore that she would wait for him until Al regained his human body. They talked marriage and babies and a cute house out in the countryside. All their romantic chatter made Edward feel like a third wheel. He hated to admit it, but his little brother was growing up and there was nothing for him to do but to let it happen. Ed volunteered to return to Central so he could request more travel funds while Al remained in Rush Valley with Winry, but by the time he got on the train Ed's thoughts were more focused on his painful erection than the quest for the Philosopher's Stone. He wanted hard sex, lots of it, but upon his return to Central he discovered that Roy was not at all in the amorous mood.

"If you want to be helpful Fullmetal, go down to the mess hall and get some more tomato juice," Mustang said, rubbing his face over the bathroom sink. He was nauseous and dizzy and his forehead was lined with sweat drops. "Shiiit, here it goes again! I hate throwing up!!!"

"This flu of yours doesn't seem to get any better. You're not going to die on me, are you?" Edward was seriously worried. Before her death Ed and Al's mother was constantly throwing up too. Edward wouldn't leave Roy alone when the elder alchemist emerged from the bathroom stall after throwing up for the fifth time that day. Ed wetted a small towel from the linen closet and carefully wiped Mustang's forehead with it. Roy grabbed Fullmetal's steel hand and rested it on his forehead, enjoying how cool the steel fingers felt against his burning skin.

"I just might, actually," the Colonel lamented, "I can't keep anything down. Not even water."

"Ha! Then what's with the little belly then?" Heymans Breda, who came to check on his superior, said teasingly, tugging at Mustang's belt. "You can barely button up your pants! For someone so sick you sure gained a few pounds around the middle, Sir."

"Oh shut up about that already!" Mustang batted his subordinate's hand away from his slightly distended stomach. "I'm just bloated from all the lousy tomato juice Hawkeye's been making me drink. She says it keeps me hydrated, but I think she's slowly poisoning me."

"Hey Edward, long time no see!" Riza Hawkeye smiled at the blond alchemist as Mustang, Edward and Breda returned to the Colonel's office.

"You really should go see a doctor, Sir," Hawkeye said sternly, turning to Roy. "Look at yourself in the mirror, you can barely stand. Don't wait until you pass out."

"Don't worry about me," Mustang waved his hand in annoyance. "I'm fine." But as soon as he sat down behind his desk he suddenly felt so lightheaded that he had to lean forward on his desk to avoid dropping to the floor.

"Quick, call a doctor," Edward grabbed his lover by the shoulders and steadied his head, realizing that the man was losing conscience, "he _is_ going to pass out."

"Ah Roy, why don't you EVER listen to me!" Riza shook her head in disapproval.

* * *

"Madeline, Vanessa, Helen, Katrina, please, you spoil me ladies!" Mustang swallowed hard to keep from throwing up in front of his guests. The girls occupied every available chair in his private hospital room and they brought heaps of flowers.

"We miss you at The Palace, handsome. Come by when you get better. Madame Christmas says you get a night with any girl you want, all on the house!" Madeline, the most bosomy of the four, leaned in to kiss Roy on the forehead, ensuring that her large breasts brushed against his chest. "And bring your blond friend with you, he's soo adorable! We can have a double date!"

Fullmetal, who sat next to Roy on the large bed, watched the scene unfold with some amusement. The Colonel's promiscuity was notorious but for some reason Edward wasn't threatened by the lovely ladies that flocked to his sick lover. He was more worried about Roy's health. The man did look pale and sick and considering Mustang's incredible stamina the fact that he actually fainted filled Edward with horror.

"A-hem. Visiting hours are over, ladies. Colonel needs to rest." Hawkeye watched the women exit, rolling her eyes at the flood of overflowing boobs and curls. "Who let these floozies in anyway? Falman?"

"I told him to, Lieutenant. Relax. Can't a hero have some comfort at a time of illness?"

"The only injury you sustained is a bruise on your shoulder, Colonel. And you got that from fainting, not combat," Riza folded her arms across her chest. "Are you OK with Edward hanging around for your diagnosis, Sir?"

"Why not? It can't be anything more serious than a hot date overdose?" Mustang said smugly. "Come on Hawkeye, don't roll your eyes. I got stomach flu, now can I get the hell out of here?"

"You _sooo_ deserve what's coming to you," Riza said with a half-smile. She tossed a thin folder into Mustang's hands. "Read up, you philanderer. You'll find it entertaining."

"Very funny Hawkeye," Roy narrowed his eyes after reading his medical file. "This is a medical impossibility, you do realize that? Men don't get _pregnant_, Lieutenant!!!"

"Weeell, _usually_ they don't," Dr. Dreus adjusted his thick glasses as he entered the room, "but in the past twenty years I've seen a half dozen cases that suggest otherwise. Blame pollution or too many exposures to alchemic reactions, if you must. You have a rare form of chimerism, my friend. Your mother must have conceived twins, but you and your twin sister fused into one embryo and developed into one child. But I'm sure you're aware that anatomically you do have-"

"Enough!" Mustang interrupted the elderly doctor. Hawkeye was blushing despite her best efforts. "Let's leave what is or isn't between my legs alone and move on to the pertinent part. How did _this_," he held up the folder, "happen?!" Mustang demanded, narrowing his eyes.

"Weeell, I would venture to guess that you've engaged in unprotected sexual intercourse young man..."

"That's NOT what I meant you annoying old fool," Roy screamed on the verge of panic. "I _am_ a MAN!!! I lived my whole life without ever imagining that THIS is possible! Now you're telling me I'm almost 12 weeks pregnant?! What am I supposed to do with that?!!!"

Seeing that his patient was quickly becoming homicidal Dr. Dreus decided it was a good time to begin his rounds. As soon as he departed Roy screamed a serious of colorful expletives and threw a flower vase at the door.

"Talking about poetic justice! Weren't you going to require all female officers to wear _tiny_ miniskirts, Roy? " Hawkeye smiled, shaking her head again. "I feel vindicated. Maybe after wearing maternity clothes for a while you'll be more respectful of us women! Now I suggest you calm down for the sake of your baby and rest. See you later, Edward."

"Waaait! Can I at least have the girls come back?" Roy groaned, rubbing his face in frustration and horror. He touched his stomach in disbelief. "If I'm actually pregnant I _really _need some feminine consolation!"

"No way Sir! No more floozies for you, at least until you have your baby. Your womanizing days are over, Colonel. Live with it!" Hawkeye slammed the door shut.

"You, 12 weeks pregnant?" Edward gasped. "How could this be?! You're a man!"

"Shut up!" Mustang reached for another flower vase to throw against the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – The Unwed Father**

"Congratulations, you irresponsible sex addict! You finally hit the ultimate whoring jackpot!" Ed cried in disbelief. "How could you possibly manage to get knocked up?! Doesn't the military provide free condoms to unmarried men?"

"You're a real piece of work, Fullmetal!" Colonel Mustang angrily shoved Ed off the bed. "This pregnancy is all YOUR fault! Remember how I asked you to use protection and you told me not to worry?! You ruined my life, my career, and my perfectly flat stomach! Where're my goddamned gloves! Stay still you prick, I'm going to FRY YOU medium rare!"

"Wait WAIT you pyromaniac! You don't actually think I'm the baby's father? I'm only 17!!!" Ed protested, "I'm not old enough to father children!"

"Oh that's rich!" Mustang hissed, taking aim at Edward, who was running around the bed in circles trying to avoid being grilled. "If you're old enough to fuck, you're old enough to make babies and I'm damn certain you made THIS one! Just LOOK at this swollen belly, it's unacceptable! Where did you go, you coward? Come out from under that bed right this minute!"

"Only if you promise not to fry me just yet," Edward suggested carefully. "Be reasonable, Colonel. There's got to be a way we can talk about your belly without setting the hospital on fire!"

_Damn, hell has no fury like a pregnant man,_ he thought, climbing out from his hiding place and cautiously sitting back on the very far edge of the bed. Ed realized that he was holding two fistfuls of hair that he pulled out of his head from stress. _I can't become a father at 17, I'm just a damn kid! Fuck…fuck…FUCK! A real baby, a real LIVE baby in his stomach…my baby?! Does it make him the baby's mother? If he's a chimera, is he both the child's daddy and mommy? How the hell can this BE, I was pretty certain he didn't have the anatomy to…but then…I wasn't really looking…! This is a disaster! _

"There's nothing to talk about," Mustang declared, folding his hands over his rounded stomach. "You got me pregnant, and now I am going to kill you!"

"Yeah well, it's hard to nail a moving target!" Ed screamed back, unconsciously starting to pull his hair out again, "you slept with me voluntarily and you _enjoyed _it! AND you never warned me that you have multiple sets of reproductive equipment! Besides, how was I supposed to know that you're so damn _fertile_ at your old age!!!"

"You know what Fullmetal, you're right! At my old age I should've known better than to screw a horny juvenile shrimp like you! Lesson learned, now I'm getting out of here!"

With that Mustang angrily climbed out of bed but as soon as he got up his dizziness returned and he immediately dropped back in bed, fighting nausea. Worried sick about his lover's shaky health, Edward instinctively lunged forward so he could sit next to Roy. Seeing that Mustang was too sick to fight, Ed gently embraced his lover, kissing his ears and burying his face in Roy's luxurious black hair.

_This pregnancy must be the most unlikely and the worst-timed event in the universe, but it HAS to be a positive event in the bigger scheme of things. Roy and I lost so many people we loved, and we love each other, so how bad could it be if we add a new loved-one to our lives?_

"Roll up your shirt, I want to see our baby," Edward said, placing his warm hand on Roy's forearm. Roy hesitated, but after some coercion he leaned back in bed and pulled up his shirt, revealing his rounded stomach. Edward stared at the little belly in horror, but then his curiosity got the best of him. His fingertips were immediately drawn to the curving flesh as he gently probed and explored it in silence, thinking a million thoughts as he pictured the child his love affair inadvertently created. _Is it a boy or a girl? Would it be blond like my family, or dark-haired like the birth father…mother…eh…no, father, father definitely sounds better…_

"Your belly is pretty big for 12 weeks," Edward said thoughtfully, kissing Roy's stomach. "I wonder how large it'll get by the time the baby is due? Tell me the truth, Colonel, no games, no bullshit, did I…did I really father this child? You know your body best. If you say I did, and that you haven't slept with other men, I will never question you again."

Ed glanced at the floor in embarrassment, finally noticing all the hair he pulled out from his head. "I'm sorry I didn't react better," he said sheepishly, "but you're the mature one between the two of us, and seeing you lose it made me lose it. But I'm still crazy in love with you, and I don't want us fighting. Especially now that you're pregnant and still not feeling well."

Colonel Mustang didn't say anything. His large onyx eyes were focused on his uniform.

"My life is like a thousand rotating gears right now, Fullmetal. Having this baby is like taking a monkey ranch and throwing it in at the worst possible moment," he sighed, pulling the shirt over his naked stomach. "An unplanned pregnancy will destroy all my momentum."

"Don't think about this pregnancy as destroying something Roy! That's a blasphemous thing to say," Edward whispered. "This baby is a brand new life you and I created. I'm scared shitless too, look, I nearly plucked myself bald over this! But I do know this is a good thing. It has to be."

"That depends on who you ask," Mustang said coldly as he broke Edward's embrace and got up to get dressed. Edward narrowed his eyes at his raven-haired lover.

"Ahh! Now I SEE what this is about!" Edward yelled jumping up, "the only thing that matters to you is becoming Furor, and our baby is an inconvenience to your ambitions, you self-centered careerist bastard!"

"That's right!" Roy yelled back. "You think my job will wait while I stay home, bake muffins and breastfeed? The military doesn't allow paid paternity leave to unmarried men. Because of this pregnancy I'll have to quit work and lose all I've worked for my whole life!"

"Oh come on! I'll marry you tomorrow if you want me to!" Ed said quickly. "You're already pregnant, we might as well take the next step before your you start showing! Just say YES? We already fucked up, we _were_ reckless, so let's be reckless all the way!"

"You're actually willing to go that far?" Roy's eyes widened in surprise. Despite the craziness of the whole idea Edward's sincere look full of love filled him with happiness. Ed was serious, and Mustang was starting to yield. "Maybe we should get engaged for now," he laughed, resisting Edward's attempts to kiss his stomach again, "we still have a lot to think about here."

"Yes…YES! That sounds reckless enough for me," Fullmetal grinned. "Engaged it is!"

* * *

"May I suggest a more reasonable option, gentlemen?" General Hakuro made his presence known by tapping on the door. He presented Mustang with an enormous bouquet of blood-red roses and winked at Edward, who glared at the General with animosity.

"You shouldn't rely on a boy to do a man's job," Hakuro said with a poisonous smile. "Ed's love for you is romantic, Roy, but I doubt his salary will provide for all three of you. But you shouldn't worry, after we had such excellent sex that night in your office, I've grown particularly fond of you. I said I'd take good care of you and I am a man of my word."

"You SLEPT with him Roy?" Fullmetal furiously glared at the Colonel, suffocating from shock and hurt. "Is that true?! You fucked him the VERY night you swore you loved me?!"

"Oh, apologies for outing you, but you should've been more honest with your little lover, Colonel," Hakuro chuckled smugly. "It's not nice to be two-timing such a nice young man!"

"Can we talk about that incident later," Mustang said apologetically, "please don't judge me Ed, it's not what you think. He-"

"Here're the keys to your new residence," Hakuro interrupted Mustang in mid-word. "You can't have babies at the Officer Quarters and this house was bequeathed to the military."

"1289 Central Boulevard?" Mustang gasped in shock. "I can't afford anything near that area, that's a huge old townhouse, Sir!" Mustang begun to have a sinking feeling that Hakuro was purposefully _trying_ to break him and Edward up. _I haven't heard from the General in weeks, and now all of a sudden the man is back in my life, offering to support me like an uptown whore and giving me a luxury property in the most expensive district in Central. Why now?_

"I'm still not sure what I'll do about this pregnancy, Sir, and I won't take the house," Mustang declared. "Ed and I ARE considering marriage, and I'm not interested in becoming your concubine, Sir."

Hakuro leaned in to where his lips nearly touched Mustang's ear.

"What did I tell you about insubordination, Colonel?" he whispered, "because you're such a rare chimera the military has a particular interest in you and your baby, which means your orders are to _remain_ pregnant, like it or not! You are to report to the Research Lab 7 tomorrow at 1100 hours sharp. Ask for Tucker, you've been classified as his _research subject_. If you insist on marrying this juvenile idiot, that's your problem, but if he interferes with the research project he and his brother are history. I'll go after your army buddies and your female sidekick Hawkeye too! But our deal stands, do as you're told and I won't let anything bad happen to you or your puppy."

"Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir," Mustang muttered, trying desperately to recover from his shock. _This can't be happening! They classified ME as Tucker's research subject? _Hakuro planted a demonstrative kiss on Mustang's temple and winked at Edward, re-asserting his dominance. "I'll be seeing you soon, Colonel. Don't stress, it's bad for your baby."

* * *

"I'll get going too," Edward said bitterly after Hakuro was gone. "You know, for a moment there I believed that we'll be happy as a family, you, and I, and our baby, but I _was_ being childish. The only thing you care about is your next promotion. Maybe being Hakuro's pet bitch is a better career move for you!"

"You have no idea how cruel you're being," Mustang said quietly. "Hakuro did make a pet bitch out of me that night, but only by threatening to hurt YOU. It's complicated Ed, just let me explain…" He rubbed his face with his shaking hands, trying to get a grip on the situation. "I want nothing to do with him...I only love you. Don't look at me that way, Edward! I had no choice! Don't leave yet, I don't want to be alone right now."

"Yeah well, I do," Edward said angrily, picking up his jacket. "I can't help but feel like an idiot for trusting you, Colonel! How do I know the baby is mine now? How do I know you really love me? And why should I believe a word that comes out of your beautiful mouth!?"

Hearing the door slam shut Mustang leaned back in bed, feeling completely drained, trapped, and utterly alone. _I am a man, and yet I managed to get pregnant. Now I got both Hakuro AND that lunatic Tucker on my back and the child's father just walked out on me! Aside from Maes Hughes' funeral, this is the WORST day of my life!_Mustang glanced at his tired face in the bedside mirror and sighed. _Guess it's just you and me for now, _he thought, tracing the contours of his swollen stomach. _Hughes always used to say I'd end up an unwed father. And here I am, 12 weeks pregnant and very much alone. _


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 – The Engagement Party**

Roy sat up in bed and stared at his stomach in speechless horror. He blinked, took a deep breath and sat still with his eyes squeezed shut, but there it was again, the feeling of _movement_ inside him, like a huge butterfly slowly fluttering its wings. _This is unbearable! Something is moving inside me and I can't control it! Argh! _His mind immediately produced Ed's grinning face. _Yes, Fullmetal would definitely find this endearing! _Roy sighed, hanging up the receiver before the call went through. _If he won't call me, I won't call him! I real man should be able to handle pregnancy without anybody's help. _But then the baby moved again and Roy, sensing another wave of panic, quickly dialed the number.

"Colonel Mustang! Finally! What time is it?" Riza moaned, glancing at the clock that read 12AM. "You haven't returned my phone calls in _weeks_! How are you feeling, how's the baby?" She listened to a stream of exotic curses and smiled in relief. _This idiot has no clue how much the guys and I worry about him!_

"You're a woman Lieutenant, aren't you? The kid, damn, why won't it stop rolling? You've got to do something about this!"

"You're not making any sense, Sir, take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong with your stomach."

"I was laying in bed, minding my own business when-"

"Yes… Roy, you sound hysterical, listen to me, babies do that naturally," Riza rolled her sleepy, barely open eyes. "You're almost five month pregnant and you haven't read a single page of that pregnancy book I gave you, have you, Colonel? What do you mean, WHAT book?! Listen to me, babies begin to move around at about 18 weeks…No, a glass of brandy won't stop it! Yes, a hot shower will probably make it worse!"

_Men are SO ridiculously helpless! _Riza sighed, sitting out of bed.

"Do you want me to come over, Sir? No, there's nothing I can do about the baby kicking, but I can make sure YOU don't do anything stupid, like drink brandy. Roy, just try to calm down, the more you get worked up the more the baby will kick. I understand it's a creepy feeling…Just lie still, you'll get used to it and it won't be so unsettling."

"Yes Lieutenant, you _should_ come over," Mustang agreed, fearfully rubbing his swollen stomach. If he didn't feel pregnant before, he certainly felt it now and each time the baby moved inside he broke out in cold, panicky sweat. "I'm still in need of that feminine consolation you DENIED me at the hospital!" he complained. "A good orgasm will remind me that my body is still mine."

"I'll pretend you didn't just say that, Colonel!" Hawkeye yelled in disbelief. "May I remind you, Sir, that your addiction to orgasms is exactly _how_ you ended up with that scary kicking baby in your belly to begin with! Don't even THINK about using sex to deal with your pregnancy blues! Call Edward if you're horny! He can't get you any more pregnant than you already are!" Hawkeye slammed the phone down, cursing. "He's five months pregnant and horny, can you believe that?" she demanded of her dog.

_Oh who am I kidding? This is exactly why men shouldn't get pregnant – they can barely handle their bodies as it is! I have no doubt the Colonel's on his way to pick up floozies and drink booze like I told him NOT to. And because Edward decided now's a good time to start acting like a child and to shirk his responsibilities, I have to be the one to deal with Mustang's pregnant antics at 12AM on a cold rainy Wednesday night! This ends tonight, _Hawkeye decided, groping around for the phone.

* * *

"Alphonse?" she said sternly into the receiver. "I know it's late, but GET your brother now! I'm going on a very important mission and I need both of you to join me. I want Ed in my car, alive or dead! Hogtie him if you have to. You'll find out what this is about when we get to where we're going!"

* * *

Cold and rainy weekday nights were rarely busy at The Palace, Mustang's favorite bar that served as a front to Central's most exclusive brothel. The girls were playing cards and sipping Champaign when Mustang nonchalantly strode through the door.

"Long time no see, little Roy," Madam Christmas, the brothel's owner, smiled at her foster son from behind the counter. "Elizabeth's your favorite, right? Like I promised, this one's on the house."

Roy sniffed the fat glass of brandy that Madam poured for him and immediately sat it back down, feeling the baby roll and kick inside his belly again. _I will NEVER get used to this! Another person, living, MOVING inside my body! What horror! _Madam Christmas continued to polish a wine glass with a cloth, observing her foster son.

"Have you been doing well?" Madam inquired with that all-knowing look Roy dreaded.

"No, I'm not doing well at all. I…I'm going to have a kid," Roy confessed. The woman didn't look surprised at all.

"No shit, pardon the crude expression dear," the lady winked at Mustang from beneath her dark eyebrows. "You look very pregnant, and by the way you keep looking down at your belly, the baby just started to kick and it's freaking you out. Let me guess, you're here to cheer yourself up?" Roy smiled, relaxed somewhat. Madam Christmas was the only mother he had ever known, and she knew him so well it disturbed him sometimes, but her love was so reassuring now. His pregnancy would've been hard to explain to any other parent.

"Here's to your health, my little Roy," Madam said nonchalantly, throwing the brandy down her throat. "Here, I'll let you have only one sip of liquor since you're carrying my grandbaby. Are you sure you're not carrying twins by the way? You look like you might be."

"Unbelievable! So you _knew_ this was possible all along and you never thought to warn me?!" Roy's eyes widened in amazement. Madam Christmas laughed whole-heartedly, caressing his cheek with her long, manicured fingers.

"You never told me that you fancied men as well as women," she shrugged. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to worry you."

"Well, I'm worried plenty now that I'm five months pregnant and the damn kid won't stop kicking me," Roy sighed. "The military treats me and the child as research subjects, the man in charge of me is a criminal lunatic, the baby's father won't talk to me AND my Lieutenant lost all her patience with me tonight. With this pregnant belly I can't even show my face to my men, let alone command their respect. I've never felt this alone in my life, Madam. You should've warned me that pregnancy could be such a bitch!"

"Feeling the blues, handsome? Why don't you let us see if we can get the baby to quiet down for you!!!" The ladies, dressed in exquisite lingerie and elaborate silk robes made a half-circle around Mustang, kissing and fondling him from head to toe. Their interest in his belly was almost feverish, as they took turns caressing his stomach.

"A man that can bear children is a god!" Madeline exclaimed. "How sexy is that?!"

"Marry me, Colonel, I'll be yours forever!" cried Elizabeth, gently fondling Roy's shoulders. "Is your blond friend the daddy? Oh this little one is going to be a beauty!"

"Here, have a sip of brandy," Katrina whispered, handing Mustang a glass and removing her bra. "Your stomach looks so heavy already, your back must be killing you, you poor thing!"

"Colonel Roy Mustang, five months pregnant, neck-deep in floozies, and caught red-handed with a glass of brandy in his hand." Mortified, Mustang turned his head to see Lieutenant Hawkeye, drenched to threads from the rain outside but relieved to have found him.

"I HAVE lost all my patience with you, Sir, but that doesn't mean I've given up on you! You protected me with your last breath when that Homunculus bitch was about to kill me, did you honestly think I won't be there for you now?" Riza embraced Roy without waiting for his answer. "Don't you dare to block us out of your life again, you pregnant fool! You need our help, admit it…now GIVE me that glass of brandy!"

"Who's _US_?" Mustang narrowed his eyes.

"Us means us, chief," Breda grinned, stepping out from behind Hawkeye, "Denny, and Falman, and I! We think you're the bravest man on earth for going through with this pregnancy! It's impossible not to respect someone with such strong nerves!"

"And you know we all hate Shou Tucker and will do what we can to get you off his hook!" Falman smiled, "you should've asked us for assistance, Sir, that's why we're here."

The men were staring at Roy's rounded swollen stomach with unmasked curiosity, but there was no disgust or unease in their eyes, only good-natured surprise and endless loyalty. They grinned like children when Mustang permitted them to rub his belly for good luck. _These fools really do love me. I can do no wrong as far as they're concerned. Hell, I can probably grow a second head and they'll just think I look better that way!_

"Since Roy is so fond of cozy brothels, can we have your place to ourselves for tonight?" Hawkeye turned to Madame Christmas. "To celebrate the engagement party?" Madame winked with a huge smile.

"What engagement party?" Mustang demanded, "who's getting engaged?"

"My brother!" Al exclaimed. He was holding Edward by the back of the neck.

"Let go of me Al!" Edward was hissing.

"GO to him!" Al hissed back, pinching his sibling, "or I'll KICK you to him! Don't be a jerk brother, that's my little niece or nephew we're talking about! You can't keep avoiding each other like you've been doing! Grow up!"

"I'm going, I'm going!" Ed cried after Al gave his backside such a hard kick that he nearly landed in Roy's arms.

"I owe you so many apologies Colonel that I won't even try to say them all," Ed said without looking at his lover. He stuck his hands in his pockets and stared at his shoes. "I'll just stand still, and you can fry me medium rare. I deserve that."

"I _would_ fry you right now," Mustang said with a little smile, "but being a calculating jack-ass that I am, I figured I'll be entitled to widower's benefits if I quietly poison you AFTER we're officially engaged." Edward looked up to see his lover's large onyx eyes laughing at him.

"I take it you're still interested in ruining your life by becoming engaged to me then?" Edward smiled excitedly. "I didn't think you'd forgive me for walking out on you like that."

"I'm really horny and desperate," Roy shrugged. "Hawkeye won't let me have sex with anybody but you! So yes, I'll forgive you but with one condition…you owe me a blow-"

"Save the nasty details for the bedroom, you dog!" Riza groaned. Ed and Roy exchanged dirty smiles. They held each other in a long embrace while the rest of the guests cheered.

"Last I saw you you weren't showing at all... I can't believe the baby's really moving inside you?" Ed carefully placed his cool fingers on his lover's stomach. "How do you really feel about all this?"

"A lot more calm now that I am not alone," Roy shrugged, blushing a little from all the attention. "I have a much bigger family than I ever imagined," he added, surveying all the Champaign glasses that were raised in his honor.

* * *

"Guess I better get to know the girls if I'm going to marry you," Ed grinned, lovingly caressing Roy's heavy stomach as the couple settled in the back of the waiting car. "If being five months pregnant didn't stop you from being such a shameless womanizer, pretty ladies will be a part of our life no matter what I do!"

"Unfortunately, so will General Hakuro," Colonel Mustang sighed, also resting his hand on his round belly. "I feel like that bastard's pregnant pet! I can't take a breath without him knowing. He spends heaps of money on feeding and grooming me. He even takes me to Tucker for the appointments, but I don't see what he gets for all his trouble. He's certainly not getting any sexual favors."

"Cooperation _is_ all he wants from you, Colonel," Lieutenant Jean Havoc turned around in the driver's seat to salute Edward and his commanding officer. "Thanks to you my spine is healthier than it ever was, so I made it my mission to snoop around on your behalf as soon as I got released from the Rehab Center. Chimera research is Hakuro's pet project. His goal is to drag you into Tucker's lab every three weeks by coercion or by force, so to him you ARE just a pregnant pet."

"That BASTARD!" Ed punched the car door in frustration. "I saved his ass and his whole family when the terrorists took over the train he was traveling in. And now this is how he repays Roy and me?" Ed rubbed his chin, deep in thought. His fingers ran up and down the curve of his lover's pregnant belly as he considered a dozen of scenarios in his head.

"I don't like that look in your eyes," Mustang said seriously. "Hakuro is a pain in my ass, but you can't just go around killing senior officers Ed!"

"Wait, I know how to get rid of the General without doing anything seriously bad to him!" Al, who until that moment remained perfectly quiet, finally uttered. "Hakuro fears two people the most – the Furor and his jealous wife. I doubt the Furor is our friend on this one, but Hakuro's wife will eat him alive if she finds out that he slept with his junior officer. He'll be forced to leave Colonel Mustang alone to avoid a scandal."

"Oh YES!" Edward exclaimed with an evil grin. "That's perfect. Use his own slimy methods against HIM. You're genius, Al. It's time to give Mrs. Hakuro a call!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 – The General's Wife**

Ed waited by the elegant black car parked in front of Laboratory 7 main entrance, spinning his silver State Alchemist watch by its chain. He wasn't vindictive by nature, but General Hakuro was a special case. He deserved every ounce of what was coming to him and Ed could hardly maintain his composure when he saw his adversary emerge from the main doors, half-dragging Mustang along with him. Hakuro was obsessed with decorum and he always wore his best show uniform when he accompanied Colonel Mustang to his appointments with Shou Tucker. Because this appointment marked the beginning of Roy's last trimester Hakuro even bothered to buy a huge bouquet of exquisite blood-red roses for the man he openly referred to as his "pet."

Hakuro spotted Edward halfway down the wide marble stairs and his lips spread into his signature condescending smile. He demonstratively placed his arm around the Colonel's waist. "Your commanding officer is going to do some overnight duty with me," Hakuro said smugly as he approached the waiting car and opened the door. "I doubt I'll discharge him until late morning, I hope you don't mind," he laughed. "Hell, if my wife fucked like Mustang did that one time, I wouldn't need to spend so much money on whores!"

Edward desperately wanted to punch Hakuro out cold, but he doubted any punch he could deliver would hit the perverted General as hard as the sight of his wife, sitting inside the limo with hands folded over her full chest. Fullmetal watched with delight as Hakuro's poisonous smile evolved into a white mask of horror. The hair on his neck literally stood on its ends.

"Gwen…I swear…I _can_ explain…" the man stumbled backward, trying to flee, but he was too slow to evade his enraged spouse.

Neatly styled hair and kind, green eyes belied the ferocious nature of Gwenevere Valera – the eldest daughter of the Armstrong clan. Having taught hand-to-hand combat techniques for a decade she had a famous killer punch and a notoriously explosive temper. Mrs. Hakuro leaped out of the car faster than Edward's eyes could follow, grabbed the bouquet of roses out of the General's hand, and begun to swat the roses across Hakuro's face with such force that all the petals scattered in the air like a scarlet cloud.

"Bloody hell! My eye!" Hakuro cursed, gripping the bloodied side of his face raked raw by the huge thorns. "It wasn't what you think! The overnight duty…I meant…PAPERWORK!"

"I gave you two children, I MADE you a General! And now you're using your rank to fuck _male _junior officers and buy whores?!"

The woman growled like a tigress, sinking all five of her long fingernails into Hakuro's crotch and squeezing as hard as she could. She was beyond all control. "I'll show you overnight duty, you sorry pervert! GET in the car!" she commanded, "or I'll castrate you with my own hands right in front of your grunts!" Mortified, Hakuro looked up with one eye to see a huge crowd of soldiers who gathered at the top of the stairs to watch the family drama.

"Ok ok, just…let GO of my cock! Your nails are cutting off circulation!" he pleaded, nearly fainting from agony. "Let's get out of here, I'll explain everything later!"

"Just WAIT until we get home," Mrs. Hakuro spat in disgust. "You'll be lucky to have enough of your unfaithful dick left to piss upright! Cheating lying dog! I want a DIVORCE!"

Colonel Mustang was thoroughly entertained by the drama that unfolded before his eyes, but his laughter was cut short when Mrs. Hakuro shifted her attention to him.

"I'm glad you find this amusing, Colonel Mustang!" She hissed, rising the barren bouquet of rose stems like a sword. "My husband gifted _you_ my grandfather's house AND I suspect it wasn't for superior handling of paperwork!" she cried, swatting Roy with the thorny flower stems. The attack was so forceful that the pain from the thorns forced Roy to drop the long coat he was holding in his arms to hide his pregnant stomach.

"And…you're PREGNANT?! Bloody hell, now I'll have to kill you too!"

"Wait, WAIT!" Edward screamed, jumping between the enraged Mrs. Hakuro and Mustang. "I…your husband isn't the baby's father, m'am, I am!"

"But you're just a kid?!" Mrs. Hakuro paused, looking Edward up and down and evaluating the situation, and then she swatted Edward with the thorny roses.

* * *

"Are there any _normal _men left in Armestis, Lieutenant Hawkeye?!" Mrs. Hakuro spat in disgust, kicking her husband in the knee as the car sped through the sunlit streets.

"I'll let you know when I detect the presence of any, m'am," Hawkeye smiled from the driver's seat, catching the woman's glaring eyes in the mirror. "But I wouldn't hold out hope."

"Indeed. You're a sorry-ass adulterer," Mrs. Hakuro pointed at her husband, "you're male AND seven months pregnant out of wedlock," she shifted her gaze to Colonel Mustang, "and you're about to become a father at 17!" she narrowed her eyes at Edward. "Can any of you explain how this degenerate love triangle came about?"

"I'm not saying another word," Hakuro hissed, unable to decide whether he should be griping his scratched face or his injured crotch. "It'll just make things worse!" Mrs. Hakuro kicked him again, this time with enough force to make the General forget about his injured eye and penis and to start worrying about his shattered kneecap.

"What could possibly be worse than me having at your manhood, dear?" she demanded.

"Furor Bradley having at it," General Hakuro sighed.

"What's he got to do with this?" Edward demanded, rubbing his scratched forehead.

When the General didn't answer Mrs. Hakuro's face begun to turn bright red in breathless anger. Sensing her murderous intentions Hakuro raised both hands up in surrender.

"Furor Bradley is a Homunculus!" he said quickly, leaning backward as his wife continued to lean forward, baring her teeth in a furious sneer. "Wait..wait..there's more!"

Hearing the words Lieutenant Hawkeye slammed on the brakes, brining the car to an awkward stop on a lawn next to Mustang's new residence. Edward swallowed hard as he recovered from his shock. He was shaking his head in disbelief because what he heard both made sense and couldn't be true. _The President of our country is a monster, a counterfeit human?! _

"Bradley is trying to create a new type of chimeras," Hakuro continued nervously, "and to understand how chimerism happens on molecular level he needs Roy and the baby as research subjects. Bradley ordered me to coerce Mustang into sex so that I can father a child, and he ordered me to break you two up when we learned that you got him pregnant first Ed. I shouldn't have cheated on you…dear," he said sheepishly, turning to his wife, "…but I was just following orders!"

"So this is what Hughes died trying to warn me about?" Roy said quietly. "Guess that leaves me and the baby on the hook as Tucker's lab rats for now." The sadness in his voice forced every pair of eyes to focus on him. "I'm not in shape to start any nationwide uprisings to unseat the Furor, even if he is a fake human. And as long as he's in charge I will always be somebody's pet dog."

"Don't say that, please! I hate it when you get so fatalistic on me." Ed ran his fingers down Roy's cheek. He wished that he could sound more mature and confident, but his voice was breaking and his uncertainty was painfully apparent. The world suddenly turned to a much less friendlier place. Edward rested all five of his fingers on top of his lover's swollen stomach, waiting for the baby to kick, but the child remained still, as if sensing the dark mood. "You have all of our support. And Lieutenant Hawkeye and I and the guys, we'll think of something."

"What I have is a bunch of loyal but powerless subordinates," Mustang narrowed his eyes in a flash of anger. "One word from Bradley and you all will find yourselves in cages alongside me or worse. We can't trust anybody now."

"What are you going to do?" Mrs. Hakuro said as she observed the conversation intently.

"I'm sorry to have involved you in this," Mustang said carefully, avoiding her eyes. Mrs. Hakuro retired from the military with the rank of a General and he couldn't bring himself to challenge her. "I'm sorry about this mess too," he added, trying unsuccessfully to sit up to get out of the car. By the second attempt Mustang realized with horror and a good share of humiliation that his heavy stomach wouldn't allow him to exit gracefully. Mrs. Hakuro's irritated stare softened, until she finally sighed in sympathy.

"No, it looks like I owe you an apology instead. You're a victim in all this. And you can trust me, Colonel," she said. "I'm sure you know that the Armstrong clan is very powerful. Half the senior brass at Central is related to me by blood or marriage. You badly need friends who are higher than you are on the military food chain, and that I can provide you with. But if you want to get out of the noose Bradley's got you in, you and your men will have to do some dirty work on the ground."

"That wouldn't involve anything illegal, would it, m'am?" Lieutenant Hawkeye asked suspiciously. "If your plan involves killing Tucker I wouldn't want the boys anywhere near that. Killing a State Alchemist is punishable by death."

"I didn't become a General for being an idiot, Lieutenant!" Mrs. Hakuro said smugly, her old lust for battle returning to her expressive eyes. "There is no need to kill anybody. The entire Chimera Research Operation is nothing but a bunch of paperwork and paper _burns _so easily…if you get my drift. If a fire _were _to break out at Lab 7, all the information Tucker's gathered on Colonel Mustang would be destroyed, and so will all the research from prior years. They would have to start back up from scratch, and that would take years. And who knows what will happen by then? Furor Bradley might not _be_ Furor anymore…" she added suggestively. "What do you say, Fullmetal? Becoming a daddy is easy, you ready to be a man? This will take some guts to pull off."

"Burning down the entire Lab 7 you mean?!" Edward gasped in horror. "That's three stories and two underground floors! What about all the people working there?!"

"Ah, that's where a certain General in charge of Lab 7 comes in…WEEELLL!?" Mrs. Hakuro demanded, kicking her husband for the third time when the General didn't respond to her cue, "are you going to just _sit_ there with your hand on your balls, feeling sorry for yourself? Did you hear what I said?"

"What do you want me to do?!" Hakuro groaned. "We already established that I'm a cheating lying dog."

"That you are, and to make up for it you're going to help Edward burn down Laboratory 7 safely! Have all the backup files sent there, figure out a way to get all the people out of there, you know the drill. Or else…I'll introduce you to the garden scissors!" Mrs. Hakuro made snipping gesture with her long fingers.

* * *

"I sure am glad I gave you a call," Edward shrugged, uncertain about what he was getting himself into but relieved to have one of the military's sharpest minds on their side.

"Talk about this to the wrong person and we all will be court-martialed and put to death." Mrs. Hakuro extended her warm hand to Edward as her eyes fired up. "My husband _will _be in touch if he knows what's best for him."

"I still don't understand why you're helping us?" Mustang asked before closing the car door. "This is a nasty conspiracy to get involved with for a stranger."

"I'll let you think on that Colonel," Mrs. Hakuro said mysteriously. "Maybe it's because I am an old soldier itching for war against Bradley, him being a fake human and all? Or maybe it's because as a mother I find what he's doing to you repulsive? Or maybe, it's because I have a soft spot for you two fools and this is the most fun I've had since retirement. You can keep my grandfather's house, by the way. I think you've suffered enough to have earned it."


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8 – While We Were Making Plans**

General Hakuro hated roses. He had nightmares about roses and he cringed each time he saw a blood-red bouquet his wife diligently left on his office desk to remind him of his infidelity. He still had a hair-thin rose prickle stuck in the tender space between his eyes and despite his best efforts he couldn't get at it with his tweezers.

"Let me ask you a question, General." Hakuro nearly poked out his eye when he saw Bradley's reflection in the mirror behind him. The king's cold inhuman fury was terrifying. Hakuro glanced around in desperation but quickly realized that his private washroom was off limits to rank and file soldiers, which meant he wouldn't be rescued by some clueless grunt coming in to relieve himself.

"Yes, of course, Sir!" Hakuro saluted with the tweezers still in his hand.

"When you have a valuable show bitch that you'd like to breed, General, how do you keep her protected?" the king asked coldly.

"You…well…," General Hakuro swallowed hard as Bradley's icy eye locked on him, "you put her in a cage to keep stray mutts away from her," he mumbled. "You keep her indoors, give her something to do so she isn't looking to escape outside."

"Precisely my thinking. It's unfortunate you don't practice what you preach. Not only did you permit my valuable dog to get knocked up by that Elric mutt, but you failed to keep Mustang on a short leash as I told you to!"

"He isn't AWOL, Sir. I know exactly where he is!" Hakuro replied, fidgeting with one of his medals.

"But do you know what he _does_?" Bradley raised his eyebrow in impatience. "That family drama scene in front of four dozen soldiers was a catastrophe! Rumors are spreading like smoke. Care to enlighten me how your wife found out about your little rendezvous with Mustang?" Hakuro shrugged, at a loss for words.

"Don't answer that!" the Furor barked. "I have no doubt our friend the Colonel personally ratted you out to your wife and now she's all over this mess, using her family connections to snoop around. I can't have senior officers asking questions about our Chimera Research, you understand? And I suspect Mustang is scheming against me. I must put a stop to that."

General Hakuro swallowed hard, trying desperately to read Bradley's hardened expression, but when artificial humans forgot to act like real people their faces turned to emotionless unreadable masks. _How much does he really know? Did he somehow find out about us plotting to destroy the Chimera Operation?_

"You will no longer be in charge of Lab 7, General." Bradley waved his hand to break the uncomfortable silence. "The situation in that desert town of Liore is quickly going to hell and your commanding expertise is needed at the front lines there. You're shipping out tonight."

"Understood, Sir." Hakuro straightened up to salute the Furor.

"Also, tell Colonel Mustang his all-expenses-paid vacation is over. He's got too much time on his hands and he's getting restless, so let's give our show dog something to do while he's waiting for the puppies. I'm recalling him back to active duty immediately. That Ishbalan bastard took out another two of my Senior State Alchemists and injured a half dozen MPs that tried to catch him. I want him captured and Mustang is the only one who ever came close to doing that. He'll enjoy the challenge, I'm sure."

"With all due respect, Sir, you and I both know he's almost eight months pregnant! How much use will Mustang really be against someone so dangerous?" Hakuro frowned in confusion and amusement. "You're not seriously thinking of sending him to chase after Scar in this condition, are you?!"

"His subordinates won't let him get injured, I'm sure, and if Mustang is busy working he isn't busy figuring out how to outsmart me and escape the research program. Thanks to your incompetence I can no longer simply put him in a cage until the baby is born, it'll draw too much attention."

"But you can give him a bone to chew on so he isn't thinking about escaping anymore. That's brilliant, Sir!" Hakuro finished the king's thought. Bradley watched Hakuro carefully and nodded.

"You say it as if you know for sure Mustang _is _up to something, General. I hope your loyalty is still with the state, since traitors don't do well in my army. Liore is an active battle zone my friend," he added coldly, "so _watch _your back for friendly fire."

"Of course, Sir. Good day." Hakuro still felt the rose prickle lodged between his eyes, but his hands were too unsteady now to hold the tweezers. _Fake human superiors, pregnant male subordinates, homicidal wives and lunatic conspiracies to blow up laboratories…Military service just isn't what it used to be. I ought to consider a career in cheese making when I return, _he decided.

* * *

"Now don't get me wrong, young man, rough sex is healthy," Dr. Dreus intently examined the bruise on Mustang's head, "but not when you're eight months pregnant. You're lucky you didn't crack you skull open as hard as you two were going at it," the man glanced at the dented mahogany headboard. "I prescribe abstinence, Colonel, and I don't want to hear another word."

Mustang bristled in indignation as he struggled to close the robe over his huge protruding stomach. _So I got a little dizzy during sex and fainted…what's the big fuss, I'll live!_

"Very witty, doctor," he hissed. "When can I get back to my normal sex life?"

"About two months after childbirth," the elder man shrugged. "You're just too pregnant to do anything sexual now. Each time you get aroused or excited your blood pressure goes through the roof and you faint. Unless you want to go into labor early, or to keep breaking headboards with your forehead when you faint and keel over, you two will have to find non-coital ways to show affection."

"What other ways ARE there?" Mustang groaned in disbelief. "Since I stopped working sex is the only thing that keeps me sane!"

"Try baking or reading to each other," Dr. Dreus shrugged. "I told Dr. Tucker you'll be discontinuing sexual activity. He wants to see you tomorrow to record your hormone levels."

"I _will_ fry you one of these days doc! WHY did you have to rat me out? I hoped I wouldn't have to see that nut job for another two weeks!"

Mustang reached for a vase to throw at the door to relieve his frustration but his swollen stomach made it impossible to reach the nightstand.

"Now, where _were _we," he narrowed his eyes at Edward, who watched the scene with a mixture of amusement and guilt. Ed lovingly removed a few strands of loose hair away from Roy's eyes. He gently coiled his arm around Roy's chest, carefully supporting his heavy stomach as the man turned on his side and leaned back against Edward, resting his head on Fullmetal's shoulder. Mustang made pregnancy look easy. Despite being almost eight months with child he managed to maintain his body in excellent shape, but his otherwise slender figure made his pregnant belly look even larger, which delighted Edward to no end. The child has grown heavy enough that one could clearly see him kick inside his parent and Ed found it fascinating that he could watch one person move inside another with his own two eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm not touching you anymore," Edward laughed, caressing Roy's shoulders and leaning in to kiss his neck. "You're out of the game until you have our baby. I love you too much to ignore the old guy. I was scared to death when you passed out on me. What? Don't give me the evil eye Roy, I'm doing what's best for the baby."

"What about what's best for me?" Roy asked angrily. "I've put my whole fucking life on hold because of this kid. Whatever happened to being reckless all the way Fullmetal?"

"Don't start, you egomaniac! We had this conversation a thousand times," Ed rolled his eyes. "You live in a palace with plenty of cash and good company. I'm not a fan of celibacy either, but it's a small price to pay for having a healthy baby. Let's get dressed now, I smell breakfast is ready!"

"Who's cooking it?" Mustang narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"I asked your foster mom to move in yesterday and gave her the keys," Ed said nonchalantly, "since you're too proud to ask for help around the house. This place is a mess, just look at all the papers and clothes on the floor."

"That's because I don't _need_ any help," Mustang snorted indignantly. "Pregnancy is not a handicap Fullmetal! I can take care of myself just fine."

"Take care of yourself?! You can't even bend over to pick up the morning newspaper, Colonel!"

"I can bend sideways," Mustang said evenly. "It works just as well."

* * *

"Are you sure you're not having twins?" Riza chuckled, trying hard to avoid staring at Roy's protruding stomach, "I won't ask if you miss work, Colonel. You look very comfortable in those pajamas." Mustang frowned as he carefully lowered himself onto the cushioned chair next to Hawkeye, shifting his weight from one butt cheek to another to avoid resurrecting his backache. _Oh how I hate being pregnant, my back feels like it's got a bullet lodged in it!_

"You should come for breakfast more often, Lieutenant," Ed grinned with a mouth stuffed full of breakfast sausages. "We really miss your disciplined hand around here. Madam Christmas is too nurturing to keep our expecting father in line." Ed puckered his lips from across the table in a mocking kiss, knowing Mustang couldn't reach him.

"Lieutenant is here on official business, brother, will you stop stirring up trouble?" Al raised his hand up. "And you shouldn't badger your fiancé either, stress is bad for the baby!"

"General Hakuro bailed on us, gentlemen," Hawkeye said blankly. "He gave these documents to pass on to you Colonel," Riza handed Roy an enveloped marked with a confidential seal, "and shipped out to Liore last night without saying anything to anyone."

"What the hell do you mean he _bailed_?!" Edward slammed his coffee cup back on its saucer. "He promised to help us destroy the Chimera Research Operation, didn't he?! We can't finish what we planned without him holding up his end of the deal! That cowardly bastard! I knew I should've beaten his mug in when I had the chance!!"

"Yeah, well, life is what happens while you're making other plans," Al shrugged. "We'll just have to think of another way. Mrs. Hakuro is still helping us. She'll know what to do."

"It looks like the good General didn't have much of a choice on this one," Mustang said with a coy smile as he folded the letter. "The Furor must be becoming suspicious after he saw what the General's wife did do him in public. He must have sent Hakuro away because he knows enough not to trust him anymore."

"Damnit! I hate it when good plans fall through!" Edward groaned, "and I don't get what you're smiling about? This is a disaster."

" This letter is the best news I've heard in months…I'm being recalled back to active duty. Bradley personally transferred me from Court Martial to the Military Police unit. He wants me to catch Scar," Roy announced.

"He…you…WHAT?!" Edward's jaw dropped open. He exchanged quizzical glances with Al and Hawkeye before exploding into one of his signature rants. "You're so pregnant you can barely sit up! You can't POSSIBLY return to work _now, _let alone chase after that lunatic!" he screamed shaking his fist. "What is that monster thinking, this is an IMPOSSIBLE assignment?!"

"Nonsense! This is a FANTASTIC assignment!" Mustang gave Ed a toothy evil grin as he picked up the morning newspaper. The front page detailed the grisly murders of two State Alchemists. "Ah, the man that got away. I'll get him this time for sure! This is exactly what I need to get over this pregnancy humiliation. There's no point in staying home if I can't even have sex anymore. And think of the spoils once I succeed!"

"What a self-important jerk you are Roy!" Ed yelled jumping up and overturning his chair. "It's you and your fucking careerist games again! This is just too dangerous! When will you get it through your head that with that swollen belly of yours there are some things you just CAN'T do! You're eight months pregnant, that's why you can't have sex, and that's why you shouldn't work either!!!"

"I am sick of feeling like a kept whore!" Mustang hissed back, "I'm tired of being fat and feeling helpless, and dependent on the whole fucking world to cook my breakfast, to give me expensive houses and cash, or to rescue me from Bradley's schemes! This is my chance to get my dignity back and I'm NOT-"

"ENOUGH!" Riza yelled. _Men are unbelievable. _"This _can_ work. We need to make it look like we're all busy and not plotting to mess with Bradley's Chimera Research, so this investigation can give us a good front to hide behind. Besides, Roy is a lousy housekeeper, so maybe there's some sense in letting him get back to work Ed," Riza said patiently. "Don't start gloating yet, Colonel," Riza gently placed her hand over the thickest part of Roy's belly. "The only way you can be physically useful in catching Scar is by blocking his escape path. At this point in your pregnancy you're big enough for it to be quite effective."

Mustang rolled his eyes at Ed and Al who simultaneously burst out laughing, but despite the tense atmosphere he couldn't resist a smile himself.

"We'll support you in this craziness ONLY if you promise to work in the office and let the guys do all the field work. No crime scenes, no pursuits, no chance of you and Scar actually coming into contact. Get it? Meanwhile, Ed and I should meet with Mrs. Hakuro to figure out what can be done. Now make nice you two, you're about to become parents!"

"Alright alright…I'm sorry. I didn't realize this is how you felt all this time," Edward sighed as he reached out to fondle Roy's forearm with his steel fingers. "I thought you would enjoy not working for a change. Guess it's just hard for me to accept that you can't be happy unless you're doing something crazy and dangerous."

"You wouldn't love me if I was any other way," Roy answered testily. He looked down at his stomach in annoyance when the child begun to kick vigorously. "Then again, I would be pregnant either. Put your hand back on Lieutenant, the kid seems to stop kicking my liver when you do that."

"Think very carefully about this, Colonel," Riza smiled, playfully rubbing Roy's belly, "I know you want to stick it to Bradley, but are you _sure _you're ready to work full-time while you're _this_ pregnant? Ed is right, you know. It'll be a big strain on your body AND you were shirking work when you weren't expecting."

"Hah! Chicks work while pregnant all the time!" Mustang said smugly. "A man must be able to handle his body and his work. Besides, hormones boost creativity, and since I can't capture Scar by chasing him around, I'll need all the creativity I can get to think of a way to catch him without getting anybody killed."


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9 – Working Days **

_Will this fucking workday EVER end? I'm a wreck. _Mustang swore under his breath as he pushed himself off the floor after emptying his lunch into the toilet bowl. _Nausea, ass-ache, sore back, my belly feels like it weights fifty pounds AND I have to piss every thirty minutes. Plus I'm always hungry enough to chew on cardboard. So much for being the army stud. Working while pregnant is awful! I have no idea how women can stand it._

"Good morning, Colonel. I pulled the building blueprint records you requested," Czeska said excitedly when Mustang emerged from the washroom, rubbing his back. "Ohhhhh you're so far along! How's the baby? Are you _sure _you should be working when you're so close?!" Mustang stared at the young woman in complete shock. _What the hell? How many people know about this! Wasn't the point of getting a private office to keep me isolated from the rest of the military staff?! _

"Everyone knows," Czeska blushed, reading his mind. "It's the best known secret around Central, Sir. But you shouldn't be embarrassed…really. You look radiant!"

_Pregnant WOMEN look radiant! _Roy blushed in annoyance. _Stupid hormones, I never used to blush before!_

"What did you expect after that scene in front of the headquarters," Hawkeye smiled as she got up to pick up the blueprints from Czeska, who was too enamored with Roy's pregnant stomach to move. "Besides, have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? It's a bit too late to worry about appearances, Colonel. You got work to do."

"Hey chief, I got some more of those buns you always crave," Havoc grinned as he waltzed through the door. "They're yours, in exchange for a small favor. Let me rub your belly for good luck. I got a hot date tonight and I want to get laid." Mustang gave his subordinate a predatory stare.

"Don't feed him, Havoc!" Hawkeye grabbed the box the men were struggling over and put it on her desk. "Remember how Dr. Dreus told you to not to eat junk food?" She gave her superior a meaningful look.

"Here, this might distract you from your hunger pangs," Breda handed Mustang an enlarged photograph. "This was taken by some kid photographer shortly after the Silver Alchemist had his brains blown out. I think this is our man."

Mustang took a long hard look at the photo that captured Scar as he paused to look around after committing his last murder.

"Without Hughes the MP unit's gone to shit!" Mustang said angrily as he rubbed his temples in frustration. He walked over to his desk with a waddle in his step and heavily lowered himself into the reclining chair. "They've been chasing this guy for two years and his file is five pages thin. He can be living in a house next door to any one of these birdbrains and they wouldn't know." Mustang angrily tapped the photo as he back in his chair, rubbing his swollen stomach as he thought about his fugitive. "Goddamn!" he groaned when he saw that another button on his black shirt had come off so that his bellybutton was peeking through. _THIS is unbelievable, have I gained weight overnight? _

"Alright, listen up people, Scar is so illusive because he's so anonymous. We got nothing on him, other than paranoid rumors. Breda, Falman, take Danny on your way out and re-interview ALL the witnesses listed on the case. He killed Silver Metal Alchemist during evening rush hour, somebody must've seen something. I want to know where Scar comes from and where he goes, what he eats, where he sleeps. And who cuts his fucking hair. All humans have habits, we figure out what his habits are, we catch him when he least expects it. No more dead bodies, got it?"

"You're very focused, Colonel," Hawkeye mused after the men left. "I have to say I underestimated your ability to concentrate in your condition. Wait, are you fixing to go somewhere?"

"Yes Lieutenant, I must see the coroner about these crime scene photos. And my sore ass needs some exercise-"

"Sir, remember how you promised NOT to do any field work?!" Hawkeye said sternly.

"Don't be a tyrant, the coroner's just a block away! Nothing will happen to me," Mustang glared at Hawkeye. "I'm nauseous and I need fresh air!"

"She's right, chief," Havoc grabbed the photos out of Mustang's hands and headed for the door. "You are one of a small handful of State Alchemists currently at Central Sir, and Scar knows what you look like. We're not risking your safety. You're the brain, let us do the walking."

"What am I supposed to _do_ while all the action happens _outside_? I can't just _sit_ here and wait for you to report to me." Mustang was about to insist further but suddenly he felt violently nauseous and needing to pee at the same time. He soon found himself on the now familiar bathroom floor, emptying his stomach into the porceilin bown yet again.

"Take heart, Colonel. You only have a few more weeks to go," Hawkeye said after Mustang emerged from the bathroom with sour face. "Mrs. Hakuro made some time to meet with me today. I will go alone, because if all of us gather it will look too much like we're planning something, but nobody will question two women meeting to chat. That means I'm _leaving_ for the day, Roy," Hawkeye added sternly. "I know this chase is exciting but don't ditch your other paperwork. Make _sure _you finish reviewing those fire inspection reports. There were a lot of building closures and new construction while you were gone."

_This is unacceptable. I'm too pregnant to stay home but it turns out I'm too pregnant to really work either! No sex, no tasty food, and no investigative action. I can't even wear damn shoes because my feet are killing me, _Mustang wiggled his nude toes in exasperation. _Well, I'm not too pregnant for one thing. _

"Forget the fire inspections! Who cares about building closures?" Mustang smugly stuffed the reports into his desk. "I got better things to do." He quickly dialed the number and reclined in his chair with an evil grin.

"Madeline," he purred into the phone, "no, not yet. I've been working like crazy all day. Yes, it's huge and very heavy. My back is killing me. Do you ladies make house calls? I'm badly in need of a massage."

* * *

"What's your story with Colonel Mustang, Lieutenant?" Mrs. Hakuro eyed Riza with a mixture of curiosity and admiration as the two women stood over the Central Bridge, looking down on the river. "Is he your lover too, when he's not pregnant, I mean?" Riza smiled.

"A lot of people think that," she said, "but that isn't it. The Colonel is, well, he's somewhere between a leader I can't help but follow, an older brother I can't stop admiring and a helpless child I can't stop protecting."

"Then you'll understand me," Mrs. Hakuro said thoughtfully. "I'm sure you're aware that my no-good bastard of a husband has been sent to the front lines in Liore. He _is_ a sleazy adulterous dog, but I married for love, Lieutenant. I can't make any sharp moves that would get him killed. Friendly fire is an efficient way to execute traitors without making too much noise."

"I understand…I _do_ understand. But I'm desperate, m'am. Roy is due in about three weeks and Bradley is getting impatient. There's some talk about having Tucker induce labor a little early. They want to take custody of the baby and if they do-"

"Relax, I always keep my word," Mrs. Hakuro gave Hawkeye a mystic smile. "As I promised, all the backup files from Chimera Research that have ever existed have been transferred to Lab 7 archive. If the building burns, well…the entire Chimera Research Op will cease to exist anywhere but the Furor's head. And I hear rumors that the country is headed into some major turbulence. Bradley may not be Furor for much longer."

The woman leaned in closer so that no chance wind could carry her words to other soldiers taking a break on the bridge.

"Armed Forces Day is coming up in three weeks, and Bradley declared it a national holiday. All but the barebones staff will be out of the Lab. We both know what overworked and ass-hungry soldiers do on Armed Forces Day, they drink themselves shitless and hit the whorehouse row. By nightfall nobody will be sober enough to know who they are, let alone do their job. Fights and fires _always _break out on Armed Forces Day. Make your move then, Lieutenant, and I'll do my best to have the fire written off as an accident. I suggest you send the child out of the country as soon as it's born too. It will break your superior's heart to let the baby go, but it's the only way to ensure its safety for now."

"I don't know how to thank you," Riza said before turning away.

"I hope the Colonel has a girl," Mrs. Hakuro said thoughtfully, "with his arrogance and Edward's stubbornness she'll be one iron lady."

* * *

"Why won't you let me stay overnight?" Edward whispered into his lover's ear as he traced the contours of Mustang's neck and shoulders with his warm fingers. His steel hand traveled down Roy's side and came to rest on his lover's hip. "You're about to give birth to my child, it's ridiculous that we aren't living together," Ed whispered, kissing the elder man's ears.

Mustang turned slightly to nuzzle Edward's neck. It annoyed him to no end that he could no longer comfortably lay on his back because the child has gotten too heavy, so he motioned for Ed to lean over and embrace him tighter. Their lips met for a light playful kiss that quickly evolved into a biting game which Mustang allowed Ed to win. _My body is so tired, and he's got so much energy. It's tempting to just fall apart in his arms and let him carry all the weight for a change. _

"It's also ridiculous that you never get naked for me anymore," Edward permitted his hand to travel closer to Roy's groin. "It would be nice to see my beloved fiancé in all his glory every once in a while, you know?"

"It's intriguing that you find my hideous body so irresistible Fullmetal," Roy chuckled, "I'm so fat and bloated I can't remember what it's like to feel sexy. I'll take me a year to get my midsection back into shape after this."

"Don't even start with that 'I'm fat' nonsense!" Edward scoffed. "Pregnant women do that, _you_ should know better. You know you're as handsome to me as you were before you got pregnant," Edward gripped one of Mustang's arms and forced his lover into an almost suffocating embrace. "I'd do you right now, anyway you like," he growled, "if it wasn't for the doctor's orders. You drive me mad, you evil man, which is why I want to be near you. And our child. You _should _let me stay overnight."

Edward broke the kiss so he could steady Roy's head and take a long hard look into his lover's large onyx eyes. "Please," he asked again, resting his hand on Roy's swollen stomach. "Al really doesn't mind, he adores you, he wants us to live together, and I hate being away from you."

"And I hate you being away from Al. You don't stop being a brother just because you're about to become a father, Ed. You got a job to do," Mustang said seriously, shaking his head.

He lovingly joined his fingers with Edward's on top of his stomach. "I know it worries you to see me with this huge belly, but I'll have this kid with or without your presence. But Al can't restore his body without your help. His life is suspended right now. I could let both of you move in with me, I want to in fact, but I know if I do that both of you will lose focus on what needs to be done. Playing house can interfere with a man's ambitions."

"Damn it, Colonel, pregnancy hasn't softened you one bit! You're still as stubborn as ever!" Edward groaned. "Hey wow, that's some strong kick!" Edward's eyes lit up in fascination and curiosity when he felt the child move inside the elder alchemist's stomach. "Turn on your back and lift up your shirt Roy, just for a moment. Pleeeeease, you're only going to be pregnant once!! If you're not going to undress completely at least let me see your stomach! You know how much I like watching him move around inside you!"

Mustang groaned in annoyance but he couldn't say no to the pair of smiling golden eyes. He reluctantly turned on his back and bared his huge round belly, allowing Edward to touch the skin and to cover the curving flesh with affectionate kisses.

"What makes you think it's a 'he' anyway?" Mustang smirked, folding his arms under his head. "I got too many men in my life already. I want a daughter. I can teach her to shoot gun and dress like a lady! Hawkeye will forgive me for being a sexist pig if I have a girl."

"A girl!?" Edward froze in shock. "NO WAY!" he exploded. "Girls are _complicated_! They…they need a ton of stuff! And you always gotta worry about them falling in love with some jerk and getting pregnant!" Mustang wanted to get angry but he laughed instead.

"My foster mother said the same thing when she chose me over other kids at the orphanage. And look what happened? I ended up with a house full of stuff, fell in love with _some _jerk and got pregnant. Come on Fullmetal, I'm a man, I know how men are. A girl is much better. She can be a General! Maybe even a Furor someday! If it's a girl we can name her Trisha, after your mom."

Edward's face lit up with surprise and happiness. He had to look away to restrain tears. The images of his mother flooded his mind and for a moment he thought he could feel the silk locks of her hair and smell the soft scent of her perfume in the air. _Wherever you are, are you trying to tell me something mom? Somehow I think he's right. I think it is a girl. And if Mustang has his way she'll be one hell of a President someday. Who knows, maybe a female Furor will finally bring Amestris peace! _

"You're really something, Mustang. I think you just talked me into really wanting a girl." Edward leaned in to give his lover another passionate kiss on the mouth. Mustang gave into the affection completely, wrapping both hands around his lover's neck and arching his back a little, but Ed soon pulled away, grinning sheepishly. "I know you're starving for affection and I don't want to get you all hot and bothered for nothing. No sex, remember? And since you so heartlessly kicked me out, I better get going too. A nice cold shower is waiting for me up in my dorm."

"Hold on, what about Lab 7?" Mustang grabbed Ed's wrist when Ed tried to get up. "Hawkeye met with Mrs. Hakuro this afternoon. Do you people have a plan of some kind?"

"Don't you trust me even a little bit?" Ed rolled his eyes. "I _do_ have a plan. It's crazy, dangerous, and spectacular. Just the way you like it, you'll see. But I have to think it through just a tad bit more," he caressed Roy's stomach before getting up. "You may be able to push papers while eight months pregnant, but you sure as hell are NOT setting fires to any buildings. Whatever we do it absolutely cannot involve you. Now, I know it's hard with the baby, but try to sleep a little. Don't fill your beautiful head with this stuff for now. It will all be over in a couple of weeks."

"Get out, you patronizing little bastard!" Mustang snorted, playfully batting Ed's hand away.

"I love you too much. Think about that," Ed shrugged, blowing his enraged lover a kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10 – Encounters of the Dangerous Kind**

"You're treading on thin ice with internal affairs, Colonel," Riza could barely restrain laughter when she entered the office. Mustang was again barefoot and sitting backwards on one of the office chairs while Lieutenant Havoc diligently massaged his lower back. "Let me guess, you finally ran out of cash to pay for your floozies so now you're reduced to using your rank to order your subordinates to provide massage services," Hawkeye shook her head in disapproval. "That's major abuse of power Sir. You can get reprimanded for doing that."

"Look at my stomach Lieutenant! I'm due in two weeks, I think I can bend the rules a little," Mustang waved his hand dismissively. "Besides, Havoc doesn't mind. He's getting plenty of relationship advice in exchange. Now, is everybody here? With that Armed Forces holiday coming up Major Douglas is riding me hard to give him something good to take upstairs to Bradley. So give _me_ something good."

"For one thing we have a good idea of where Scar's lair is," Breda handed Mustang his folder. "All witness reports place him coming out of or returning to the West Plaza Street area. He's got good taste in houses. These are luxury apartments under construction."

"I did fire inspection there," Mustang perked up, "there are several multi-story vacant buildings. Isolated location, panoramic view of the city, multiple escape paths. Still, I wonder why he decided to upgrade from sewers and ruins?"

"Probably because he's traveling with a child, a young girl we believe is an illegal immigrant from Xing," Falman explained. "And he's got that loser Yoki tagging along. I believe he's a wanted fugitive too."

"Triple jackpot!" Mustang was beginning to salivate. "I might even get a _medal _out of this one! And it means Scar is saddled with two weaker companions who aren't as fast or as clever as he is. Can this get any better? Here, I'll write a surveillance order right now."

Mustang clumsily got up from the chair and grabbed a form from his desk drawer. _Waddling is so undignifying, _he thought with annoyance as he walked over to his desk, but he realized by now that being eight and a half months pregnant meant he had to do many undignifying things. Like turning sideways so that he could write on the desk despite his protruding belly.

"I am feeling lucky today! I'm finally going to cage you," Mustang picked up Scar's photo with a grin. "Here, Hawkeye, give this surveillance order to that old bastard Douglas up at MP command. Let them sit on these buildings for a couple of weeks. Yoki is an idiot, he'll blow their cover sooner or later. And when he shows, storm that fucking tower like your life depends on it. I want Scar captured alive, whatever it takes. I doubt the other two will resist much. Great work, soldiers. Now out, all of you, take a couple of days off. You all earned it, working around the clock like you did."

"What about you Sir?" Riza sat down next to Roy, her eyes searching his tired face with grave concern. It was obvious he hasn't been sleeping well lately and he looked exhausted and miserable, despite his stubborn refusal to take any days off. "Your stomach is so large it looks painful," Riza gently placed her hand over the curve. "I noticed that it's riding a lot lower now too. The baby usually drops down very close to the due date. You don't have a choice but to take medical leave now. It's unhealthy to be pulling ten hour days when you're literally about to give birth."

"It's a shame I have to leave when this just got interesting!" Mustang said disappointedly. He knew he was going to lose this battle, but returning home on medical leave terrified him. It meant he would have to face the fact that he was about to have his very own child and he wasn't quite ready for that. Burying his head in work was a very effective way of avoiding the idea of his impending fatherhood.

"There is nothing else for you to do now, Sir. It's all up to the MP guys to do surveillance and capture," Hawkeye insisted. "Ed and the guys are planning to burn down Lab 7 on the Armed Forces Day, it's just a week away," she whispered, leaning in, "no offense, but you're pretty useless right now. And I need the guys to focus, we have to be quiet and sneaky so nobody suspects sabotage."

"Do you seriously think this will work?" Roy asked suddenly. Wait, DON'T answer that-" Roy whispered in response. He sealed his lips in half-word when he saw Furor Bradley appearing in the doorway. _Bradley himself, I can't believe this._

"Aren't you going to salute your superior, Colonel?" Bradley said cheerfully. _It's no wonder he passes for a human so easily. He can look damn near pleasant when he smiles. _Seeing Hawkeye's eyes widen in horror Mustang made gestures under the table for his Lieutenant to leave without letting Bradley see her face. Normally Riza was unreadable, but she was tired and nervous now and Mustang dreaded what the Furor's ultimate eye could see in her uneasy gaze.

"Take the evening off too Lieutenant. I need to gather up a few papers and then I'll get my driver to take me home," he said as she exited. "Close the door, please."

"Come now, Colonel, humor me," Bradley teased, motioning for Mustang to get up off the chair. "Rumor has it you're coming along quite nicely. I came to see for myself."

Mustang got up with as much grace as he could manage, keeping his eyes steadily locked on the Furor. Bradley's smile widened as his eye focused on Mustang's swollen stomach. _He's testing my nerves, the bastard!_

"You should seriously _consider_ having the baby induced soon," Bradley said nonchalantly as he neared his subordinate. "Labor becomes very dangerous when the child grows too large. I'd hate for anything to happen to Central's rising star."

"Thank you for your concern, Sir," Mustang staid carefully, "but I read somewhere that inducing labor is unhealthy. I'd rather wait until it happens naturally. And I would not consider myself a star, Sir, just a loyal soldier."

"Loyal, huh?" Bradley paused, giving Mustang a questioning look. "Yes, loyalty is an important quality. But so is the ability to take a friendly hint, Colonel."

Bradley's heavy hand rested on Roy's shoulder.

"I did you a huge favor by giving you this assignment, Colonel. Private office, all your staff away from their regular duty and assisting you, a chauffeur to drive you around. I am _rescuing _your reputation and your career, but my senior officers are starting to grumble about all the accommodations your condition requires. Not to mention how scandalous it is. It is in _your _best interest to have this child as soon as possible. You're young and healthy, I don't suppose inducing labor will lead to any complications and it's obvious the child has a healthy weight as is. Think on it over the holidays, but you're a sharp man, I'm _sure _you know what's good for you."

"Speaking of the assignment, Sir, I believe we're about to capture Scar," Mustang tried to change the subject.

"Oh I never doubted your talents. You are a very _valuable_ resource for the military, Colonel" Bradley said, suddenly placing his hand over Mustang's belly, "think on what I said _very_ carefully. I don't give advice I don't expect my men to follow."

Mustang cringed at the coldness of Bradley's touch. Bradley's friendly smile melted away and Roy could clearly see that the man before him was indeed a frightening imitation of a human being. _I'd rather kill her than to give her over to you to be experimented on! _Mustang took a few steps back, evading Bradley's probing hand.

"I hope you and Edward don't get yourselves into any trouble over the Armed Forces holidays," Bradley said nonchalantly as he turned on his heels and headed for the door. "Some soldiers just can't keep themselves in line during the festivities. I always worry about military property being defaced or damaged, which is why this time I'm increasing guard at all key buildings."

"I hope this increased guard won't interfere with my appointments at Lab 7," Mustang asked, fighting nervous jitters. "I unfortunately have one scheduled on that Friday."

"I'm sure Kimbly will let you in without any hassle," Bradley shrugged. "You two are pretty familiar with each other since the war in Ishval, I presume."

Mustang froze in shock. _Kimbly? The Furor ordered that psychopathic murderous lunatic to guard Lab 7? Shit, Edward has no idea just how crazy, dangerous, and spectacular his plan has just become! With Kimbly they'll have to use alchemy and probably guns, it'll make enough noise to attract EVERYBODY'S attention. Damn it! Talking about raining on my parade. _

* * *

Heavy rain clouds were gathering up above Central as Mustang hit the gas of his sleek black car. _I don't need Bradley's fucking driver, _Mustang thought angrily, watching the darkening sky and rising fog outside. _I'm perfectly capable of driving myself. Now, won't that street come up already? This is farther than I thought, I must've missed that right turn, and now I have to piss again! What a headache._

_Aha! There's the turn, but now I REALLY have to pee, have to pee, I can't hold it anymore! _He slammed on the brakes and pulled the car to the curb. _What a shitty cold rainy night, and the day was going so well, _Mustang thought as he clumsily climbed out of the car and looked for a suitable place to relieve himself.

He didn't see Scar coming because his back was turned to the darker end of the alley, but Roy knew the truth with the hairs on the back of his neck. _Oh you've got to be kidding me! First Bradley, then that nutjob Kimbly, now this devil. There must be a million people in this city and I have to run into HIM of all others when I get out of the car for three minutes?! _Mustang straightened up his posture, waiting a moment before he spoke.

"It's been a while," he said with annoyance. "You don't write, you don't visit, I thought you were seeing other alchemists."

"I _was_, actually," Scar said evenly as he slowly emerged from the darkness with his hands in his pockets. "But it's you that I want more than the rest."

"I always liked forward men," Mustang laughed, slowly adjusting his gloves. "But tonight I'm not in the mood to get intimate." Roy swallowed hard when he heard the sound of thunder. Roy hated how his voice broke just a little. His composure was leaving him as the warm raindrops begun to pour down his forehead and cheeks. He felt lightheaded as the exhaustion from many sleepless nights has caught up to him all at once.

"Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist. Are you ready to receive your judgment?"

_I'm face to face with a serial killer and I got no back-up with guns this time. _Mustang looked up at the dark cloudy sky and sighed. _I can't make flames in this rain, he's too close for me to draw my gun or to create a transmutation circle. I can't fight him, there is not a soul in sight, and I still really HAVE to pee. Can this night get any worse? _


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11 – Enemy of My Enemy **

"What's the matter, without backup you lost your spark, Mustang? I heard you were looking for me. I'm all yours."

Roy's stomach fluttered with guilt and regret for not taking the danger seriously. In his mind Scar was a mythical creature, a kind of boogeyman that scared the hell out of senior military officers instead of little children. But he was a real human of flesh and blood now that he was standing an arm length away from Mustang, and his incredible aggressive power made Roy's skin crawl. His heart beat so fast he could barely hesitated, weighing his options, but realizing he really had none he slowly turned around to face his opponent.

"What the hell…? Hmmm, the great Ishvara certainly has an odd sense of humor," Scar said after a moment's pause. "_You_ are a chimera AND an alchemist?! How ironic." He struggled not to reveal his surprise, but his amber-red eyes quadrupled in size despite his best efforts. Mustang shrugged, patting his huge pregnant belly.

"You're very perceptive," he said sarcastically.

_THINK! _Mustang told himself as he stalled for time._ I can't fight him off. There is nobody to help me. Well, then, I'm not above a little trickery... Everybody fears something, and there's one universal thing that never fails to freak out a man, especially one who's young and inexperienced in romantic business. To a man like that there is NOTHING more unnerving than childbirth!_ _Let's see how your nerves handle that, Mr. Executioner!_

"I'll give you a moment to pray to whatever God you believe in," Scar said finally, regaining his composure. "Stay still, you coward! Pray for forgiveness for all the innocents your burned alive."

"I don't have a God to pray to," Mustang said seriously, shifting from leg to leg, "but I do have a favor to ask before I die. Excuse my bad manners."

Scar eyed him suspiciously but nodded for him to go on.

"I have to piss. Right now."

Scar stared at Mustang for a long moment, trying to evaluate if the other man was serious and then, despite all his power of composure, his lips stretched into an involuntary smile. Mustang turned around toward the wall, and while he relieved himself he used the sharp edge of his belt buckle to nick one of his fingers to draw blood. He allowed the red drops to mix with the rainwater on the ground. _This should look pretty convincing. _

"Ahhh SHIIIT!" he cried, leaning on the wall as he gripped his stomach in feigned agony. "My water just broke!"

Scar froze with his hand in mid-air. He glanced down at the reddish rain water that ran down the street before giving Mustang a questioning stare.

"Are you _seriously _considering killing me while I'm in labor?!" Roy said accusingly. "Well then go ahead and get it over with! It'll spare me this horrible pain of labor!"

Scar tensed his fingers several times, trying to decide what to do, but he clearly despised the idea of killing a baby so he lowered his tattooed arm with a look of annoyance.

"Awww it HURTS! Damn!" Mustang winced, squeezing his eyes shut. "If you're not going to kill me, don't just STAND there! DO something!" he cried. _Oh I wish I had a camera to document this! A photo of his horrified face would be worth a fortune! How I love turning tables on my opponents! _Scar's eyes remained huge and almost panicky, and in a moment of weakness he ran his hand through his thick hair, revealing his nervousness. He was an expert in killing powerful men who resisted him fiercely, but his youth and inexperience with the human reproductive system left him completely unable to see through or to deal with Mustang's charade.

"Oh come on, don't be a coward yourself," Mustang pushed further, "warrior monks are trained in medicine, I know you know _SOMETHING _about delivering babies! The kid will come out faster than you know. If you live long enough you may have to do this for your own woman some day!"

"Are you out of your mind?!" Scar groaned in disbelief. "I'm NOT helping you give birth to a kid in the middle of an alley on a rainy night!" he declared, failing miserably in masking his squeamishness. He took several steps back and forth before deciding he couldn't really walk away.

"Ough…outch, it'll come _really_ soon!" Mustang cried, seeing that his confused opponent was starting to lose it. "You know you can't just leave me here! I'll make it worth your while if you help me. All you have to do is -"

"Alright, ALRIGHT!" Scar impatiently grabbed Mustang's wrist and pulled him away from the wall. "Just stall it! I'll help you walk to your car, but from there you're on your own! Get to a damn hospital if you know what's good for you. Lucky for you you're in labor, but next time I see you, I WILL kill you."

"You'll find that being a gentleman pays generously," Mustang said as he closed the door of his car after Scar half-dragged him to the vehicle. "There _is _another alchemist that you want more than me. Zolf J. Kimbley. I'm sure you two don't need any introductions."

Scar's red eyes narrowed as the words piqued both his interest and his anger.

"If you promise me you won't lay your magic paw on Edward Elric, I'll tell you where to find Kimbley. I'll throw Shou Tucker, the Perversion of Life alchemist that made that miserable dog/child chimera, in as a bonus. Come on, don't play hard to get, I know you've been dying to get your hand on these two."

Taking the man's silence as a sign of acquiescence Mustang continued. "This coming Friday, Lab 7 grand entrance. Stay the hell away from your current hideout, by the way. The MPs are onto you and I don't want you to be shot dead between now and then."

_I was right, all killers driven by revenge rather than sadism have shaky nerves under their hard shells. Find a way to rattle their cage and you can tame the worst of beasts! _Mustang hit the gas laughing to himself. _And who said there's no dignity in lying! I just tricked the most feared serial killer in Amestris out of killing me AND I made sure he takes out both of my enemies. And he was even nice enough to walk me to my car! How does that saying go? The enemy of my enemy really is my friend…_

* * *

"SURPRISE!" Roy froze in confusion at the sight of wrapped boxes piled high in the middle of the living room. The guests were about to cheer, but they froze too when they saw the look on the Roy's face.

"I KNEW I shouldn't have let you out of my sight!" Riza pinched the tip of her nose in frustration, "what the HELL happened to you Colonel? You're so pale your lips are blue! You look dead!"

"Roy, your forehead is burning," Ed whispered as he approached his fiancé and placed a hand on his face. "Are you in labor?"

"You haven't been shot, have you Colonel?" Havoc narrowed his eyes at Roy's exposed gun holster.

"Don't be so dramatic people!" Mustang raised his hands up defensively. "I'm not shot, dead, or in labor. I'm just _cold_. And what's with the Christmas boxes?" he asked, struggling out of his wet overcoat and clumsily lowering himself on the couch next to the fireplace. "They're not Christmas boxes," Roy's foster mother laughed as she sat a cup of warm tea on top of his stomach. To everybody's delight it stayed there quite comfortably without any support. "You're due any day now, handsome, and you haven't bothered buying a single thing for the baby. So…the ladies and I went shopping."

"A _BABY_ SHOWER?!" Mustang groaned, "pregnant WOMEN have baby showers Madame! This is the LAST straw! Wait, did you say _THE ladies_?"

"Sorry to disappoint you Colonel," Winry, Gracier Hughes, and grandma Pinaco crowed the kitchen doorway, all wearing aprons. "But seeing that you're pretty harmless right now, we could put on some lingerie for you," Pinaco said, drawing in the smoke from her elegant little pipe. Roy blushed at the thought of his best friend's widow and venerable grandma Pinaco showcasing the latest lacy undergarments.

"Boy, you sure have been eating well," Pinaco said seriously as she examined Roy's round belly for herself. "That's one big baby you're carrying. And you already started lactating, I see. That's good, means you're very healthy."

Mustang made a disgusted face, fighting the urge to touch the two wet spots that begun to form on his black shirt. _I can't believe this! _

"Milk?!" He asked quizzically, "but I don't even have breasts…and I wasn't producing any in the morning. What gives?"

"Breast tissue is identical in men and women," Pinaco shrugged, "women just have more of it. If you can get pregnant, you can make milk and your body was probably preparing for it already. It is uncanny how you started to lactate spontaneously before having the baby, but then again, you're always surrounded by men. Exposure to testosterone can trigger milk production."

_DAMN Scar and his elevated hormone levels! I was doing FINE until I came close to that poisonous fiend and now I'll spend a whole year paying for it! It's bad enough to be pregnant, and now I'm actually producing MILK…what a nightmare!_

"We might rethink our plan now though," Gracier said calmly as she sat next to Roy and gently held his forearm in her warm hands.

"I'm starting to get a headache from all the plans going around!" Mustang declared. "Yes, about the plan, Roy," Al started cautiously, sensing that Mustang was on the verge of hysteria. "The baby shower is just a front, we invited everyone so we can talk face to face about your baby's future. You are due any day now, but we can't keep the baby at Central. But if we send the baby away we didn't want Madame Christmas to go alone."

"Nothing is holding me here but painful memories," Gracier said quietly, "and Alicia needs to see other places. If we all travel together it will be easier and safer."

"You would do that for me?" Mustang said with surprise. "Uproot and leave Central, just like that? What about your friends here, and Mayes, his grave…"

"This country is on a verge of a revolution," Gracier shrugged, gently placing her hand over Roy's stomach, "and Mayes used to always say 'remember the dead, but take care of the living.' Mayes loved you like a younger brother he always wanted but never had. The baby you're carrying is my niece or nephew as far as I'm concerned and I'll keep it safe like I would my own child, Roy."

"But if he is producing milk, we can't separate him from the baby!" Ed exclaimed, "Newborn children must have breast milk to be healthy, period!"

Mustang angrily shoved Edward off the couch.

"I am NOT breastfeeding!" he bristled, "NO WAY! Isn't it enough that I had to live with a swollen gut for better part of the year?! Now you expect me to spend another year dealing with leaking tits, ruined uniforms, breast pumps, and bottles?! Sorry Gracie, I know you breastfeed, no offense, but breastfeeding is _creepy_!"

"You got no choice!" Edward shot back, taking cower when Roy managed to put on one of his gloves and prepared to send a shot of flames his way. "Breastfeeding is natural, it's part of life cycle. Once you start making milk you HAVE to breastfeed. It'll be worse for you if you don't! Your breasts will hurt like hell!"

"I…DON'T …have BREASTS!" Mustang roared, "and I'm going to fry you for dinner!"

"Alright, alright, that's enough!" Hawkeye laughed, restraining Roy's hand, as Al dragged Edward to the opposite side of the room. "You two haven't learned a damn thing about resolving disagreements peacefully," she added. "We're in too much trouble here to be fighting about breast milk! Everything was in place and ready to go, the dynamite in the walls, the rigged fire alarm, the distraction for the guards. But we just heard Bradley pulled that psychopath Kimbley out of prison to guard Lab 7 over the holidays!"

"Yes I know," Mustang said smugly, "and I doubt he'll have time to get in your way."

"No offence chief, but Kimbley is probably one of the most dangerous alchemists there are," Havoc said worriedly.

"Every alchemist has natural predators," Roy said with a little smile, "and Kimbley is definitely on Scar's menu. I invited him to join the destruction party. Let the two monsters fight it out, they'll destroy half the lab in the process and the explosion you set off can be written off as collateral damage. You promised the plan will be crazy, reckless and spectacular. This will ensure that it is!"

"Ahhh, so THAT'S why you begun to lactate all of a sudden," Edward snickered. "Yes, Scar certainly has enough testosterone to bring out the lady in you!" he teased. "Don't bristle Roy, EVERYONE told you to stay away from that lunatic, but since you didn't listen and got too close to him, you got exactly what you deserved! I heard dark-haired Eastern folk have particularly active mammary glands too, so it looks like leaking titties and ruined uniforms, as you so elegantly put it, are definitely in your future!"

"Look on the bright side Colonel," Grandma Pinaco sucked on her thin pipe one more time, "breastfeeding can be very pleasant, I hear. Besides, you may have enough milk for both your baby and your fiancé. Edward could use a growth spurt, him being such a pipsqueak and all."

"Oh don't badger him Pinaco," Gracier smiled, caressing Roy's stomach. "Maybe you can breastfeed for a few weeks Roy and then find a wet nurse," she suggested. "There's no rule that says you have to do it for a year."

"Me…breastfeeding?! I'm going to shoot myself," Mustang frowned. "I was looking forward to having the kid in a few days, but now I don't know what's worse, being pregnant or....drowning in milk."


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER 12 – The Calm Before the Storm **

"Get away from me Fullmetal," Mustang rolled his eyes with a tired smile, struggling awkwardly to sit up in bed. The baby inside him has gotten so unbearably heavy he couldn't comfortably remain in any position for longer than fifteen minutes. He resented Dr. Dreus' order to remain in bed, but at this point he had no choice but to stay off his sore feet. Edward leaned in to kiss his lover, taking a moment to savor Roy's full soft lips.

"You should consider having more babies," Edward smiled, admiring Roy's luxurious hair and lashes. "Pregnancy really becomes you. Come on now, sleeping beauty," he gently pulled on the soft blanket, "let's see your boyish figure."

"If I show you my belly will you quit badgering me?" Mustang sighed, "I just found a comfortable spot. You have no idea how tired I am."

Ed took Mustang's hand into his and lovingly kissed the man's warm palm and the fingers.

"Don't try to evade your obligations by inciting sympathy. You know I've come to collect my prize," Edward smiled, playfully shaking a tall clear glass. He plopped himself behind Roy, setting the glass on the night stand where Mustang couldn't avoid looking at it.

"Remember how you and I made a bet last week?" Ed grinned, pulling the blanket away from his fiancé and gently embracing the man's midsection with both hands. _I never realized how big babies actually get just before birth! Poor Roy, his belly really is enormous. No wonder he's so snippy and restless. _"Just as I predicted," he rested his head over Roy's chest, caressing his lover's stomach, "you are still _very_ much pregnant as of today, which means I was right."

"So?" Mustang tried unsuccessfully to peel Edward off his body.

"So I win, you lose, and now I'm entitled to a sample of the milk!" Edward grinned evilly. "A nice full glass, please."

"The milk is for the baby!" Mustang snorted. "And besides, you _hate _milk Edward!"

"True, but I _love_ cream," Edward replied. "Breast milk smells like vanilla and it's rich and thick like cream. I can smell it right now, in fact. Fork it over Colonel, a deal is a deal!"

"Havoc!" Mustang turned in desperation to his subordinate, who was dozing on the chair next to the bed. "Wake up! You aren't just here to enforce the fucking bed rest order. I need backup here!"

"I will protect you with my life, Colonel," Havoc laughed, "but I actually think Ed is right on this one. You spent all day complaining that you're drowning in milk. Draining some of it is only practical. In fact, I heard doctors actually prescribe it to help bone injuries heal. Might be good for _my_ injured spine too."

"Very funny Lieutenant! I'm NOT letting you people make a cow out of me!" Mustang declared, giving Havoc the look of death. "And the day is not over yet! I still have plenty of time to start labor, so you haven't won anything YET Edward! Now get OFF of me. I have to piss again." He clumsily got out of bed, rubbing his back. Havoc got up as well.

"No moving around unescorted, remember your blood pressure, Sir?"

"I just hit a new low," Mustang sighed, waddling slowly across the room as he supported his stomach with both hands, "having my subordinates escort me to the bathroom. All these precautions are an overkill, Lieutenant. You know I don't need you to hold my hand every moment of the day."

"Ow ow…shit… what is this!"Mustang exhaled suddenly, gripping his stomach. His belly tensed up and hurt for a moment, before the sensation dissipated.

"What's the matter? Is it time Sir?" Havoc exclaimed, grabbing Roy by the waist.

"Apparently!" Mustang replied, catching his breath. The feeling was so sudden he felt dizzy and probably would have lost his balance if it wasn't for Havoc holding him upright. _Alright, maybe having Havoc's strong hands around is a good thing! Damn, this isn't a good time to start labor, not good at all! _

"No milk for you Fullmetal," Mustang declared triumphantly when he regained his senses. "You just lost our bet!"

"NO WAY!" Edward jumped up off the bed as if a snake has bitten him. His jaw dropped open as his golden eyes quadrupled in size. He went through a series of desperate hand gestures that concluded with his fingers plucking out his hair. "The baby…Roy TALK to me," he carefully placed both hands on Roy's stomach, "did you just have an actual contraction?" he cried, on the verge of panic. "The baby, the baby is COMING?!!!!! Where's that crazy old doctor? What are we going to DO?! Come on Roy, you have to lie down in bed for this!"

"Did I just hear what I thought I heard?!" Hawkeye said excitedly as she appeared in the doorway. "Oh Roy, I just _knew _you'd pick the worst day on the calendar to go into labor," she shook her head with a happy smile. "Still, Congratulations to you Colonel. Now, get a grip, Fullmetal! Quit scurrying around, babies aren't born after the first contraction. We all got a job to do tonight, remember? Leave our expecting father alone to enjoy the birthing process and let's get going. I assigned Havoc to keep him company, he'll be fine."

"But I can't…!" Edward exclaimed, "my fiancé is in labor with our first baby Riza! I'll be damned if I miss the birth! I want to stay with him."

"We need your expertise in alchemy Ed," Riza shook her head. "I understand your nerves are pretty tickled right now, but you have to keep a cool head here. That's what adults do. Lab 7's gotta burn tonight if you want to protect Roy and your baby."

"Ed…Ed listen to me, you do realize that there won't be anything magic or spectacular about delivery?" Mustang said seriously, beckoning for the blond alchemist to come closer. "It's a very simple and quick surgical procedure, and besides," he said, gripping Ed's wrists. "I'll get a horse dose of tranquilizers. It'll be the best nap I've had in months."

"Are you kidding me? You carried this baby in your belly for nine months and now you're planning to sleep through its birth?!" Edward was in shock. "You can't possibly be THAT disturbingly callous!"

"Women get very sentimental about that whole miracle of life nonsense," Mustang shrugged, "I just want the damn kid out of me so I can finally sleep on my stomach like I always used to. That old raccoon Dreus refuses to do anything until I go into active labor. Something about exposing the baby to proper hormones that are released during the labor process. Whatever. But that does mean nothing will happen until late night. You'll have plenty of time to get back so you can enjoy seeing me cut open if that's what you want."

"I would call you a cold-hearted bastard if you weren't about to make me a father," Edward lovingly embraced the elder alchemist, planting a subtle kiss on his lover's forehead. "It's disgusting how much I love you," he whispered, "don't you dare to pop while I'm gone."

"What's all the noise about?" Al appeared in the doorway to the master bedroom, looking at the unfolding scene. "Is something the matter?"

"Brother! Brother Roy is finally in LABOR!" Ed screamed excitedly, making a frantic dance around Al. "I can hardly breath, I'm about to become a father! And you, you're going to be an UNCLE!"

"On no! You must be in a lot of pain Colonel?" Al said nervously. "Poor you, it must be so unpleasant! Has the water broken yet?"

"Water?!" Mustang wrinkled his nose at the thought. "THAT is the last straw! Will you get these two out of here already, Lieutenant!" Mustang groaned, "they're making me more anxious than the contractions. Focus on your mission people. I expect all of you to come back in one piece. That's an order." Mustang gave Hawkeye and the boys a stern look. "By the way, you look really tasty in that miniskirt, Lieutenant. I'd sexually harass you if I wasn't in labor." Hawkeye rolled her eyes.

"Don't procrastinate calling Dr. Dreus, Colonel. You have to let him know that contractions have started so that he has time to prepare for the surgery. Ignore my advice at your own peril," she said, motioning for Ed and Al to follow. "Don't indulge him too much Havoc. He has to stay in bed, just like doctor ordered. I'm counting on you."

* * *

"Why ARE you dressed like this," Edward commented, looking Riza up and down as they descended the stairs. She was a beautiful woman, but her strength usually overshadowed her sexuality. But this time she was dressed to seduce. So risqué in fact that it was bizarrely out of character. Her skirt was so short Ed could see the lace stockings underneath when she moved. For the first time in years he saw her wearing high heels and her halter top could hardly contain the luxurious breasts her uniform usually concealed. She wore loud and distasteful lipstick, and her hair was a sensual blond mess.

"We will split up and meet at a bar behind Lab 7 at eight o'clock sharp. The back gates are facing a sleazy little alley. There is a bar there called Midnight Cabaret. We will blend in with a hundred other civilians and soldiers drinking themselves silly and even if we run into people we know, it will look like we're there to celebrate the holidays. As for the look Ed, Colonel Mustang taught me that sex-deprived army men can't resist floozies. And the two grunts guarding Lab 7 back gates are men. You do the math."

"You do make one _fine _floozie," Ed grinned. "I can't imagine a grunt that wouldn't follow you into a dark alley. And when they do, BANG!" he slapped a fist into his palm, "the night will be over for them. Simple, elegant, and very old-school."

* * *

_The Colonel is counting on me to put up a good fight on his behalf. And if fighting means swallowing my pride, then BRING IT ON! _Riza tore up her halter top to reveal even more of her skin and lifted the whisky bottle to her painted lips as she begun to walk toward Lab 7 back gates with a drunk stagger. The bottle contained water, but the two men guarding the Lab immediately perked up.

"Hey gentlemen…" Riza staggered in front of the steps, making sure the lace stockings were visible as she paused for a moment, "which way is the Midnight Cabaret? This thing," she held up the bottle, "fucks up my sense of direction, you know. And it's so damn dark and deserted out here." The men pointed her in the wrong direction and she happily grinned and staggered where they pointed her to go. They grinned too, nodded to each other, checked that nobody was watching, and abandoned their posts just as Riza predicted they would. _Bradley's scumbags fixing to rape an easy target. This will teach them._ The men greedily followed Riza around the corner where their faces promptly met Al's steel fists.

"I hope I didn't hurt them too bad," Al said cautiously as each guard hit the ground, hopelessly unconscious.

"I hope you _did,_" Riza said, kicking off her shoes and tearing the rack of keys off of the guard's belt. "Let's make it quick, quiet, and clean," she whispered, wiping off her lipstick. "The Colonel is about to have his baby, guys. Every mistake we make may cause him and the child their lives. So don't get distracted."

The trio casually made their way to Lab 7 back gates, glancing nervously at their watches and their feet.

"Where is Officer Falman, Lieutenant? And what about Breda and Danny?" Al asked nervously. "You sort of kept us in the dark about their roles."

"That's the point," Riza replied, "the less you two know about who does what, the less you'll worry about us. Breda and Falman will provide distraction when the building starts to burn. Danny's on the radio listening to incoming transmissions, so we're first to know when it's time to flee. That's all you need to know for now."

"I'm almost glad I don't have a flesh and blood body right now," Al said thoughtfully, "otherwise I'd pass out from anxiety. I hope the Colonel doesn't suffer too much. Remember that poor woman in Rush Valley? Labor and childbirth were so excruciatingly painful she almost died! And what if we mess up here?! Sorry, I know I'm not helping, but I got a million thoughts in my head!"

"You can say that again," Ed sighed, pausing with his hand on the heavy handle to Lab 7 back gates.

"But Roy isn't going to suffer like that woman Al, he isn't giving birth naturally like she did. And we are NOT going to mess up here. It will ALL go according to plan. Just believe it." His heart beat so fast he was sure the others could hear the heartbeats. _I got no clue what's behind these gates, BUT I know it's not good and I hate to admit it, but I am scared. Guess that's what it means to become a father. You can no longer act like you've got nothing to lose._


	13. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER 13 – Avoid the Unavoidable **

"What's the first thing you'll do after you have your kid, Colonel?" Havoc sat his drink on the table and begun to stack the deck of his special "dirty" cards. Mustang scowled at the thought of childbirth and nervously rubbed his face.

"Drink, fuck, and sleep. In that order." He swallowed hard and nervously picked up his cards, trying to steady his sweaty hands. _What I wouldn't give to see your grinning mug right now Edward Elric. How humiliating, but I'm horrified! _Each time Roy's belly contracted from the inside he closed his eyes to blink away the pain. He had a raging fever and drops of sweat begun to form on his forehead, but he was determined to keep face despite his intermittent panic attacks. He leaned forward in the chair, letting his stomach rest on his thighs, as he checked his cards and glanced tensely at the tall pile of wrinkled-up bills.

"Now, _that's_ a real vintage masterpiece," Mustang admired the nude beauties that replaced the traditional card characters. "You sure do like bosomy women Lieutenant."

"This is _so_ like you, little Roy," Madame Christmas laughed, pinching her foster son's cheek. "Enduring labor like a real man by gambling and looking at dirty pictures. I'm going upstairs to take a bath, and you gentlemen behave yourselves. I know your nerves are just about to give out, but don't even LOOK at that whiskey Roy. Call me if it starts hurting too much, I know some tricks to make labor more bearable."

"I am _fine_!" Mustang groaned, "it's just a little unpleasant, that's all."

"Shouldn't you call Dr. Dreus?" Havoc asked nonchalantly, making his last move. "Your contractions are pretty regular and you look like hell."

"Quit fussing over me people!" Mustang said dismissively, rubbing his belly as another tightening sensation gripped his midsection. "And I demand a rematch, you cheat."

Just then Mustang noticed Winry standing at the top of the stairs, nervously playing with a strand of her long blond hair. She was still dressed, despite the lateness of the evening. He beckoned for her to join them at the table.

"You should really try to get some rest," Roy said gently. "You look exhausted, and you traveled so far to do maintenance on Ed's automail. You made this trip twice in two weeks, are you trying to kill yourself? I need you alive, so you can babysit."

"I can't sleep," she said quietly, sitting down at the table and avoiding Roy's eyes as she nervously rubbed her bare knees.

"Oh Colonel how could you POSSIBLY be so composed!" she cried, on the verge of tears. "Look at you, you're in labor, your fiancé and your men are out there in the dark one step away from death or capture, and you hold yourself together so well. And look at me, I'm such a wreck," she sobbed with a sad smile. "It's embarrassing, but I'm so worried my stomach is one big knot."

"That makes two of us," Mustang laughed, gripping his huge belly through another contraction that did admittedly feel a lot less pleasant. "Fighting is easy," Roy said, wiping away Winry's tears with the back of his hand. "You either win and live another day or it's all over for you. Either way, you at least know what's coming. Waiting is the worst, because nobody really _knows_ what will happen next."

The trio sat in silence for a long moment, listening to the sounds of merrymaking outside, each contemplating the long and treacherous road ahead. They've spent so many days thinking, preparing for, and fearing this night and now that it was finally here there was only raw anxiety and no satisfaction. Nobody wanted to say it, but the premonition of worse things to come was so strong that it made the air hard to breath.

"What _is _going to happen chief?" Havoc finally broke the spell. "I mean, after Lab 7 goes up in flames?"

"I don't know," Mustang shrugged, panting a little. "We'll win one battle, but we're far from winning the war. As long as Bradley is king he'll keep scheming to put me in a noose and we'll just have to keep outmaneuvering him until I can drag him off his throne."

"Guess pregnancy hasn't made you any less ambitious," Havoc chuckled.

"Not a chance!" Mustang hissed, squeezing his eyes shut and biting his lower lip in response to the throbbing pain in his pelvic. "After all this bullshit that he's put me through, I would cut that one-eyed bastard into bite size pieces with his own sword if I could!"

"I know why it was love at first sight between you and Ed," Winry smiled. She gently placed her hand over Roy's stomach, only to feel the womb inside contract powerfully beneath her fingers. Mustang's fingers dug into the tablecloth, overturning Havoc's drink, as he drew in his breath to avoid crying out in pain.

"Damnnit!" he moaned, catching his breath as both Havoc and Winry anxiously stood over him, "this PAIN is just NASTY! Where the hell is Edward, I suddenly have an urge to cuss him out!"

"Come on," Havoc motioned for Roy to get up, "I'll help you walk upstairs. You should lie down Sir. Labor is progressing so quickly I'm getting worried. Hey Winry, I heard you're something of an expert in labor and delivery?"

"Why are you asking?" Winry said suspiciously. "Wait a minute, you two spent three hours gambling, has either one of you thought to call a doctor like Lieutenant Hawkeye told you to?" Both men exchanged blank stares. "Oh of course not! You guys are so reckless!"

A loud and persistent knock on the door interrupted the conversation.

"Ed! Al! They're back already!" Winry jumped to her feet with relief. Having opened the door, however, she found herself staring at three gun barrels pointing directly at her face.

* * *

"Colonel Frederick Douglass, m'am," the tall stern man in unattractive glasses introduced himself before he shoved Winry out of the way with such force that she stumbled backwards and nearly fell. "Colonel Mustang, you're under arrest. I suggest for your sake you come with me voluntarily."

Mustang stared at Douglass with a mixture of revulsion and annoyance, while the hairs on the back of his neck begun to rise. _Now here's a human monster that's worse than a Homunculus. He makes his stars prosecuting any innocent the Furor orders him to. _Lieutenant Havoc had his weapon drawn and immediately moved between Mustang and Douglas.

"Over my cold, dead body," he said angrily, raising the pistol up to the level of Douglas' head.

"Got a death wish Havoc?" Douglas looked amuse. He motioned for the two guards to point their weapons at Havoc's head. "Get out of the way, Lieutenant. Or I will declare you a co-conspirator and shoot you right here. If you're lucky you'll be back in the wheelchair. If not, I'll send your parents my condolences."

"Wait," Mustang said urgently, motioning for Havoc to lower his weapon. "You're not with the Court Martial, Douglas. You're with the Military Police, which means you believe I committed a criminal offense. As a citizen and as your equal in rank I have a right to hear the charges against me."

"Aiding and abetting a serial killer," Douglass said, reaching into the pocket of his uniform with a gloating smile. "And I don't _believe _you committed a crime. I _know_ you did."

"Based on what evidence?" Mustang spat back sarcastically. "Let me guess, some mythical witness came forward?"

"Cameras don't lie," Colonel Douglass chuckled, handing Roy a stack of photographs. "You turn out to be very photogenic despite your swollen gut, Mustang. Now, I won't even _speculate_ as to what the hell you were doing," he said with amusement, "but you and Scar must have a pretty cordial relationship considering you weren't afraid to face him in your delicate condition. It's no wonder he's damn near impossible to catch. It never occurred to me that our unit had a rat, but now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. The more senior alchemists Scar kills, the more opportunities for an egomaniac like you to advance through the ranks. He gets his revenge and you get your promotion. Sounds like a partnership of the equals."

"Me, a rat?! That's a _ridiculous_ accusation! You seriously think I'd do such a thing? Cooperate with a serial killer to advance my career?" Roy asked angrily. "I fought side by side with these alchemists, I would never-"

But then he took one look at the photographs that captured his conversation with Scar and bit his lip, realizing the photos were indeed bad news.

"I'll just turn these photos over to the Court Martial," Douglas laughed coldly, "and let them sort it out. And when I finally round up your partner in crime, maybe you two can share a cell! I'm sure you'll have lots to reminisce about."

_I can't fucking believe this! These pictures do make it look like we were having a friendly chat, when in reality Scar was about to kill me! But who would believe it? The bastards even photographed him during the fraction of a minute when he smiled. Damn these amateur photographers. Although, come to think of it, these photos are pretty focused. Maybe these weren't amateurs then... Did Bradley have me followed the entire time, waiting for me to give him a reason to detain me? Shit…I sure did give him one this time._

"Satisfied?" Douglass motioned for Mustang to get up. "What's the matter hotshot? Ohh, I see, having some feminine trouble? Well be a man about it, suck it up. I got some morphine in the car to help you deal with labor pains."

"No!" Winry cried, wrapping her arms around Roy's neck and glaring at Douglass viciously. "You can't let them arrest you Colonel!" she whispered into Roy's ear, "you can't just let them take you. I won't…I won't let them…"

"Shhh," Roy brought his lips so close to Winry's ear that even the guards who stood near couldn't overhear. "He can't harm me, but he will shoot you, and Havoc, and my foster mother to get to me if he has to. Winning is about living to fight another day, little sister, and I need all of you to stay alive." Winry reluctantly let go of his neck, stepping aside as she trembled, fighting tears.

"Your service weapon, Lieutenant," Douglass stretched out his hand to collect Havoc's gun. Havoc demonstratively removed his empty holster and showed Douglass both of his hands.

"He needs to go the hospital, not into prison detention," Havoc said disgustedly. "Don't be such a sadist Douglas!"

"Oh don't worry about your superior," Douglass adjusted his glasses with a cold smile, "I wouldn't dream of endangering our expecting father's health. Lab 7 has splendid medical facilities. I'm confident Dr. Tucker will take good care of him and the baby."

"Lab 7 is not a hospital, it's a creepy monster zoo run by unethical madmen!" Mustang declared. "With all the things that growl, hiss, and slither it isn't even sterile! Come on Douglas," he sighed, "we both know what this is _really_ about. I saved your ass before. Can't you be a human and not a coward just this once?" He wished his voice sounded more brazen and confident, but he was exhausted and in serious pain.

"Don't take it personally Colonel," Douglas shrugged, "but Furor Bradley's orders were crystal clear. Your job's to deliver your kid, my job's to deliver your ass to Lab 7. I got no incentive to question chain of command for our benefit. Now let's go."

"In that case Jean's coming with me," Mustang gave Douglass a dirty look, carefully lifting himself off the chair as he supported his stomach with one hand. "I don't want to see any of your ugly mugs during the delivery."

"Are you on first name basis with all of your subordinates?" Douglass asked disgustedly, eyeing Havoc up and down. "If I were Edward Elric I'd seriously question this kid's paternity. You got an awful lot of _helpful_ men in your life, Colonel."

"Men don't like assholes any more than women do," Mustang replied flippantly, holding in his breath as another contraction made him wince in pain. "You can't compensate for a short dick with an overabundance of nastiness, Douglas. Remember that, and maybe you'll have better luck getting _any _men in your life. You do prefer men, right?"

"GET this pregnant jackass OUT of here!" Douglass barked, embarrassed and furious. "Let's see how helpful your admirers will be when you and your bastard get locked up in a dog cage." _I just don't get any breaks nowadays, do I? _Mustang mused with annoyance. _I spent past five months trying to stay out of Lab 7 and now I'm heading straight there at the worst possible moment. Guess you really can't avoid the unavoidable. Well, at least I'll get to see some of the action. _


	14. Chapter 14

**WHO ROCKS? Yaoi fans who commented on this story and added it to their 'author' and 'story' alerts!!!!! **

**BIG GIANT APOLOGIES to the fans who were left hanging – yours truly had plenty of inspiration but life gets in the way of writing. But fear not – updates WILL continue!!!!! **

**Chapter 14 – And It All Goes Up In Flames**

"There is just one creature I hate more than chimeras, lizards, and Tucker!" Hawkeye snorted, "RATS! And look, the place is overflowing with the bastards!" Moments earlier she kicked off the seductive high heels, but now that dozens of naked long tails were rushing across her nude toes, Hawkeye feverishly groped for the shoes in the dark. _Comfort be damned, I'm not standing in rat shit, even for the Colonel!_ Having replaced her shoes Riza cautiously checked around dark corners with her weapon drawn and motioned for Ed and Al that the passage was clear. "Burning this vermin-infested monstrosity down is a public service as far as I'm concerned."

"You can say that again," Edward cried when a well-nourished rat disappeared into the folds of his red coat's hood. "The test labs are down in the basement, so the archives must be on the top. Hurry up Al, we have to make sure this thing burns like a torch before anyone catches onto what we're up to!"

"I'll stay down here and keep watch." Hawkeye whispered. "No matter what noises you hear, don't get distracted! Set this thing to burn and haul your asses out of there. Got it?"

"Where are the rest of the Colonel's men?" Al asked.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM! Let's GO! I'm about to become rat feed!" Ed cursed, seeing that more and more huge hissing rats were congregating around his boots. One critter boldly attempted to scale his leg.

"BASTARDS!" Ed cursed, peeling the rat off his limb in disgust. "They're fleeing from something Al, and I don't like it. We better hurry."

As they scaled the dark staircase Ed kept thinking about the poor woman he saw give birth in Rush Valley. Her pain was so scary his hands begun to sweat when he imagined Roy suffering the same way for hours. He wanted to be with his lover. He wanted to witness the birth of his first child. "What if something goes wrong?!" he said, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "And I'm not there?"

"I can _hear_ you freaking out up there!" Riza hissed, "If Colonel Mustang survived the Ishbalan war and half dozen major injuries, he's not going to die in childbirth. Roy is probably warm, comfortable, and napping happily! So get WITH IT!!!"

* * *

"Have some dignity Mustang, for God's sake, I can hear you grinding your teeth and it's driving me crazy!!!!" Douglass yelled in annoyance as the car slammed into the curb in front of Lab 7's front gates. "Holy hell, just HOLD it IN! We're almost there. Now, get out, OUT!" he reached to the backseat to try and get Mustang to sit up straight. The Colonel reacted by angrily sinking all thirty-two of his pearly white teeth into Douglass's hand. _I'll show you dignity, _Mustang thought viciously, biting down until Douglass' bones began to crack.

"Furor Bradley was right, you ARE a fucking animal!" Douglass screamed, gripping his bloodied digits. He jumped out of the car and kicked Mustang's side of the door. "Weeeeelll! What is wrong with you?!"

"I'm NOT going in that lizard hole!" Mustang hissed, breathing heavily as he struggled not to scream from another contraction. The pain was searing through his entire body now. It hurt so much his vision blurred, but he wasn't going to go down quietly.

"Sir, I hate to tell you this, but it might be a good time to capitulate," Havoc whispered into Roy's ear. "You body is ready, stalling may injure you or the baby. I know Tucker's lab isn't a luxury birthing suite but it beats delivering in the back of Douglass' car." Mustang bristled at the idea but he had to concede that Havoc had a point. He grudgingly allowed himself to be escorted out of the car and through the front gates by two pale-faced guards who appeared to be more scared of him than he was of them.

"Get your paws OFF of me! I can walk unaided!" he growled, giving both soldiers a sharp crack in the ribs.

"I almost gave up waiting for you," Tucker said with a mysterious smile as he greeted Mustang inside the darkened building. "Your lack of respect for authority is regrettable, Colonel. If you didn't insist on defying the Furor's orders I wouldn't have to keep your friend hostage, but as it is right now…" Tucker shot Havoc a dirty look. "Shoot him if you hear any noises on the inside."

"You sadistic asshole," Mustang growled. "Cowards who torture animals and children don't end well, if you get my drift."

"Drag his arrogant ass over to the examination table and leave us," Tucker ordered the guards. Mustang's jaw tightened as he heard the lab doors slam shut behind him. The intermittent pain of his contractions seemed less pertinent now than the rage he felt. All around him his subordinates and friends were being taken hostage and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. Not yet.

Mustang slowly settled onto the examination table, glaring at the back of Tucker's balding head. _I can't risk it. I can break his neck, but with this belly and the kid about to be born I won't be fast enough to take out the two morons guarding Havoc. _Roy frowned as he heard Tucker going through a set of metal instruments. _It's so unlike me to go down without a fight. Well, it's unlike me to be in labor either. _Mustang swallowed hard when he saw Tucker fill a huge syringe with opiates that were supposed to sedate him.

"It won't hurt, really," Tucker grinned, waving the menacing syringe that released a hair-thin spray of medicine. "You'll sleep like a…oh shit…This CAN'T be? Oh no no no!" Mustang narrowed his eyes in amusement when Tucker's face turned as white as his lab coat. Tucker's gloating, demented smile melted off his face as he begun to back away from Mustang, overturning flasks and bottles as he trembled in fear and desperation.

"What's the matter?" Roy laughed, a bit confused himself but highly entertained by Tucker's sudden change of attitude. "You look like you're about to piss yourself. You saw a ghost?!" Mustang's delight begun to fade as well, however, when it dawned on him that Tucker was looking at someone standing behind Roy.

Despite his odd ways Shou Tucker wasn't easily intimidated. There was only one human being that usually elicited such response in State Alchemists and it was the one man Mustang didn't particularly care to see himself.

"Sewing-Life Alchemist. Long time no see, Tucker," Scar said coldly. "You got away last time, but you can't outrun your judgment forever. That goes for you too, Colonel Mustang."

_Oh shit. Talking about being stuck between a rock and a hard place_, Mustang thought dismally, _how am I supposed to explain why I'm still pregnant after that stunt I pulled in the alley!? _

"How the HELL did you get in! How did you know I was here?!" Tucker screamed in panic. "Guards! GUARDS! This is unbelievable!"

"Dead bodies don't come to the aid of the living. Now stand still, coward," Scar said angrily as he begun to walk toward Tucker, "at least receive your judgment with dignity. YOU!" he paused next to Mustang, his cognac-red irises narrowing in fury, "WHY are you still PREGNANT!"

"It's a very…very long story," Mustang shrugged sheepishly, "but by all means, carry on with your holy duty. I won't get in the way –" Scar clenched his cold long fingers around Roy's neck. Mustang could sense the man's hot breath on his temple.

"I took pity on you for the sake of your child, you alchemist snake! You'll find that abusing my generosity is a lousy idea!"

Seeing that Scar was distracted Tucker scurried toward the corner of the room, where he clawed at the wall full of hooks and levers until he finally found the one he wanted. The lever snapped open a hidden cage door and two growling chimeras emerged from the darkness.

"Fuck both of you, you criminal freaks!" Tucker laughed triumphantly. "And fuck Bradley! I've had ENOUGH of this job! Here kitties, go get them! Eat them! I'm out of here."

The two gruesome cougar-lizard hybrids snarled hungrily as they headed toward Mustang.

_I could be dissected by a lunatic, have my brains blown out by a serial killer, or be eaten alive by chimera monsters. I would laugh if I wasn't about to die! _

Mustang took a deep breath when Scar let go of his neck and tried desperately not to scream out in pain when another contraction nearly caused him to fall over on the table. The chimeras approached before Mustang got a chance to gather his wits, but instead of attacking the two cats circled the examination table where Mustang sat and came to a stop next to Scar's feet. One of the creatures got on its hind paws and reached out to sniff the man's raised hand, rubbing against it as Scar's fingers fearlessly patted its head.

"Unbelievable," Mustang smiled, "what is it about you and cats?" he couldn't resist asking with a widening grin. "I heard rumors that you feed them, but I never imagined it was true!"

"Animals are innocent, unlike people," Scar said thoughtfully.

"NO!" Tucker yelled, nearly foaming at the mouth in frustration, "don't PLAY with them, EAT them!" The chimeras quickly turned their attention to the yelling man. He was the source of their hunger and misery and they pounced on him before he had a chance to blink. Mustang shuddered, watching Tucker being dragged into the dark cage by his own creations, kicking and screaming all the way. _I could've dreamed up a more fitting end for that asshole, _he thought with satisfaction.

"Now, where were we?" Scar turned his attention back to Mustang. "I'm going to kill you."

"Yes, about that," Roy raised both hands defensively as he slid off the examination table, and tried unsuccessfully to back away from the man, "seeing that I'm still pregnant, I'm quite certain the great Ishvara would want you to postpone carrying out your judgment. Babies are a lot like cats, you see, they are innocent too."

Unimpressed with Mustang's reasoning Scar raised his tattooed arm.

"Oh shit," Mustang let out a long painful hiss, gripping his stomach and squeezing his eyes shut. "Put your paw back down," he groaned, breathless, "my water just broke. For REAL. I think it's a sign that you shouldn't kill me." Scar stared at Mustang with a mixture of annoyance and amusement, shaking his head.

"WHAT!" Roy cried on the verge of panic, "this isn't one of those 'fool me once' games! Look at the floor, I'm not kidding!"

He was smelling smoke and hearing commotion outside the examination room doors. _That scent, the burning scent. I won't forget it as long as I live. Kimblee. And he's burning bodies!_ Roy swallowed hard, thinking about Edward, Al, Hawkeye and Havoc._ This kid is about to be born and I need to get the hell out of here! We all need to get out!_ Scar recognized the scent too.

"Let's take a walk," he said curtly, grabbing grimacing Mustang under the arm and half-dragging him toward the exit. "I'm keeping you as my insurance policy."

As they reached the main staircase Mustang heard gunshots and intermittent explosions ripping through the building. Bits of burning paper fell like heavy black snow from the upstairs floors that were completely engulfed in flames. _This building is about to implode, _Mustang frowned, nervously looking at the charred bodies of two guards. Havoc was long gone and the air was quickly filling up with smoke.

"Roy?!" Hawkeye emerged from the shadows, covered in soot and tripping over rats that flooded the floor as they fled the burning building. "You're about to give birth! What the HELL are you doing fraternizing with serial killers inside burning buildings that are infested with monsters! You were supposed to be AT HOME!"

"It's a very…very long story," Mustang was about to say when another explosion sent shards of concrete and glass raining down. Ed and Al were rushing down the stairs, dodging fire flashes and breaking glass. Right behind them Zolf Kimblee was laughing like a maniac, as he jumped and skipped to avoid Havoc's gunshots.

"Oooh this is a GREAT day!" Kimblee yelled, when he saw Scar staring at him from down below. "Ah, the one that got away. Come to me, my old friend! I want to see your eyes when I kill you!"

"Get out of my way," Scar said coldly, pushing Roy into Hawkeye's arms as he chased up the stairway after Kimblee.

"Ed, Al, let's get out of here!" Riza called out, as she and Roy made their way to the exit on shaky legs. "Havoc, you come too. Leave those two to it!"

* * *

"You go on ahead," Havoc waved, slamming the door shut. "There's not enough space for everybody in the car and I want the Colonel to be comfortable. I'll catch up with the rest of the guys and meet you later." Mustang gave Havoc a little node of gratitude for letting him have the extra leg room in the back of the car.

Roy was breathing heavily when Ed's hot hands rested on his stomach.

"It's almost over," Ed whispered, lovingly caressing Roy's heavy belly. He leaned in to kiss his lover.

"For YOU maybe! MY suffering is just getting started!" Mustang snarled, batting Ed's hands away. "Hit the gas on this fucking car, Hawkeye!" he took a deep breath, trying not to scream. The events were unfolding quickly but Mustang suspected that breaking water was not a sign to be ignored.

" How can one feel such pain and be alive at the same time!!! I am going to die. After surviving Bradley, and Hakuro, and Scar, and Tucker, explosions, chimeras, and the most horrid injuries to my ego, I'm going to die in childbirth! I just know it!"

"Don't get so dramatic Colonel," Riza smiled in the rear view mirror, "you'll live just fine."

* * *

Behind them Lab 7 was melting into a spectacular firestorm that sent waves of sparks far into the night sky. The small streets were becoming noisier as the car sped away from the fire, but there were no firefighter sirens anywhere in sight.

"Look brother, there's a naked man running down the street!" Al said, pointing out the window.

"What did you guys do to Colonel Douglass?" Edward laughed wholeheartedly, recognizing the man who waved his arms wildly as he ran past the car, completely nude. "He looks like he escaped from the madhouse!"

"He's got severe rat phobia!" Riza shrugged. "He fell during the commotion and the hairy rodents swarmed him like he was covered with honey! It'll take a while to get over his psychosis."

"Serves him right," Ed and Al burst out laughing. "And who are all the other half-naked people running outside?" Al added matter-of-factly. "And what's with all the dogs?"

"Oh, those _are _real lunatics," Hawkeye explained. "Breda, Falman and Danny set several empty warehouses on fire and emptied every insane asylum and military kennel near Central," she laughed. "It's chaotic enough with all the soldiers and citizens drinking themselves silly over the Armed Forces holidays. Now add hundreds of half-naked escaped loonies, loose dogs, a flood of rats from Lab 7 and every stray cat in town, coming to hunt the rodents!"

"Hmm, THAT is just brilliant! Every branch of the military, from fire-fighters to dog handlers and MPs will be tied up for weeks, rounding up the escapees and the animals," Ed's smile grew even wider. "It'll take the military months to get to the bottom of what happened here, if once they do, it'll be impossible to prove sabotage. Colonel Douglass is the only witness that survived, but in his current state nobody will believe a word he says. He'll probably get locked up with the rest of the nut jobs they round up."

"I don't know how to thank you all," Edward shook his head. "Al and I could never do it all by ourselves. Don't be smug, you should thank Lieutenant Hawkeye too Colonel," he teased Roy, who until now remained silent, focusing on his breathing. "They did all the hard work, now _all_ you have to do is actually have our baby!"

By that point Roy could no longer contain his scream.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 – Labor of Love**

"You still in one piece, Sir?" Hawkeye asked, catching Mustang's eyes in the rear view mirror. "I know I should be worried when you get quiet."

"Well FORGIVE me if I'm not particularly talkative," Mustang replied with a tinge of sarcasm, "I'm a bit preoccupied with trying to breath! Why don't you talk to me instead. For instance, since you're taking unfamiliar backstreets, mind telling me how much longer until we get to my house?"

"A bit of feminine wisdom," Hawkeye sighed, speeding up a bit, "if you can't wait you can't wait. Stalling childbirth is dangerous. We'll have to stop the car and –"

"Roy, you're blushing," Ed's eyes were as big as saucers, "you're scaring me!"

"Quit panicking people!" Mustang barked, "real men can handle paaaain!" _Shit, this IS unbearable…_ "I'm a lot more bothered by the need to use certain facilities…" he added smugly, "so step on the gas already."

Hawkeye slapped her forehead in complete exasperation.

"You idiot!" she exclaimed. "Bathroom urges happen shortly before the baby comes out! Why didn't you say something before!"

"I didn't know that's what was causing it," Mustang shrugged. "Why is this important?"

"This is unbelievable! MEN are unbelievable! _Please_ tell me you at least made arrangements with Dr. Dreus tonight, Colonel!" Riza groaned, pulling the car to a screeching stop in front of Mustang's house. "If you started labor this morning you SHOULD have called him immediately to let him know it's starting!"

A long, awkward silence ensued.

"What? So I never got to it," Mustang admitted finally. "Don't give me that look Hawkeye! I was _busy_!"

"Roy, a c-section is a major surgery," Riza said quietly, "the doctor needs to prepare, to sterilize the instruments. If would be nice to have a nurse assist as well. You can't wait until you're about to have the baby to call the doctor!"

"Ouch! Goddamn this!" Mustang winced at a sharp stab of pain that echoed through his entire midsection. "Ok ok, NOW it's starting to hurt like hell! Forget the house bathroom, let's go to the _hospital_!"

"You haven't caught my drift, have you?" Riza sighed. "It's 1:45AM, Colonel! And now you're in active labor, Dr. Dreus is sound asleep on the other side of town, and the hospital is two hours drive because of all the insanity downtown! By the time we wake Dreus up and get to the hospital through back roads it will be too late."

"What do you mean, _TOO LATE_ ? My stomach is _killing_ me, Lieutenant! You're a woman, and I know YOU read the fucking pregnancy book cover to cover! DO something!" Mustang bit his lip to avoid screaming.

"You're not saying I'm going to die because I didn't call that old prune Dreus in the morning, are you?" he groaned, rubbing his belly.

"No Sir," Riza smiled, "you'll survive just fine, but by not calling the doctor earlier you _did_ guarantee yourself a VERY painful taste of womanhood! Now _you_ don't give me that look! Remember how this mess with chimera research got started? You have a dual reproductive system, that's what _makes_ you a chimera. What _did_ you think was going to happen once the baby was due?"

"Childbirth! You can't POSSIBLY expect _me_ to survive THAT!" Mustang screamed on the verge of a nervous breakdown. "It's revolting, and painful and…DISTURBING! I am a MAN and I still have some dignity left! Besides, there's no way the kid will fit through anyway! I may be a chimera, but what I have is not as suited for squeezing out babies as what _you_ have!"

"Oh you sorry sexist bastard," Hawkeye rolled her eyes in rage as she opened the side door and half-dragged Mustang out. "I would knock you out cold if you weren't in labor! I still might actually…"

Riza covered her ears at the loud stream of curses that followed.

"I know it hurts, but you should curse quieter, Sir," she added. "Remember how you intended to salvage your dignity? You don't want the neighbors to wake up and witness your predicament!"

* * *

Ed cautiously sat onto the bed next to Roy, who was breathing heavily and looked hot and uncomfortable beneath the light blankets. His fingers were impatiently digging into the heavy silk sheets. Ed wanted to touch his lover, but Mustang was in pain and not in an affectionate mood. His onyx eyes looked murderous and Ed cautiously avoided getting within his lover's grabbing range.

"THIS is all YOUR fault," Roy concluded coldly. "I _will_ have my revenge."

"We're going to get the baby out of you one way or another," Ed said, trying to reassure Roy who kept shooting him death stares. By the time he realized how wrong it sounded it was too late to make amends.

"Well, it makes a DIFFERENCE _which_ way it's going to be!" Roy hissed. "You insensitive little prick! You have no idea what I'm going through and it's all because YOU refused to use protection! Get away from me Fullmetal…I mean it!"

"Aaaarh! Damn you, Al!" Ed screamed, jumping into the air when Al squeezed his shoulder, "don't creep up on me like that brother! Are you trying to give me a fucking heart attack on the day my kid is born?"

"Sorry," Al shrugged, "but you've pulled out so much of your hair…I don't think Colonel Mustang is into balding men…" Ed stared at two patches of hair he was holding and scowled. _Lieutenant Hawkeye is right. Men are pretty useless. I know how to transform coal into gold but I got no idea how to help my own fiancé with the birth of our own child,_ Ed sighed.

"I'm still….waiting…for…the…plan!" Mustang gasped between contractions. "And you, Fullmetal, are USELESS! Where are you Lieutenant?" he called out, seeing that Riza has left the room. "I'm counting on your wisdom here!"

"A smug, sexist rooster like yourself deserves _every moment_ of this wonderful feminine experience," Hawkeye frowned from the doorway. She sat a bucket of hot water down and demonstratively threw a heap of fuzzy terrycloth towels between Mustang's legs. "And I intend to enjoy every moment of it as well. Yes…after what you said in the car I really should let you go through with this the natural way… but I'll be merciful. I have an idea."

"I promise I'll worship you for it later," Mustang growled, "but let's hear it now!"

"You and Dr. Knox are thick as thieves since the war in Ishbal, right?" Riza continued. "Since he got back with his wife, they moved into a townhome not far from here. If Ed runs fast enough, he can go fetch Dr. Knox in time to do the surgery."

"A CORONER?" Mustang cried, grabbing for something heavy to throw, "you're one vindictive bitc– no… I meant _woman_! Look, coroners are for _dead_ people! _I_ am still alive! And I will NOT have a _coroner_ deliver my child!"

"Suite yourself then," Hawkeye smiled, folding her arms over her chest, "when you feel like going, all you have to do is _squeeze_. Nature will do all the work. Women do it all the time! I'm going to bed now, so try not to scream out your labor pains too vigorously." Mustang slapped his face in disgust and horror.

"NO!" he groaned, "wait, okay okay, I'm sorry. I'm tired and you know better than to take me seriously!" he added defensively. "I appreciate your help, it's just that I hate the idea of having someone who dissects corpses for a living dissecting ME!"

"A doctor is a doctor," Ed pinched Roy's shoulder, "and you do need one so that you don't kick the bucket! I'm not raising this child alone! Besides, I like that grumpy guy."

"I'll go get him then," Al offered, "I don't get tired like Ed, so I'll get there faster!"

"You just had to rub that one in," Edward grumbled.

* * *

_Oh I sure hope Dr. Knox is home, otherwise this will turn reeeally ugly! _Al thought as he slid through the back window and headed through the maze of alleyways as fast as his legs could carry him. Having reached the house he was looking for he flew up the stairs and began pounding on the front door with both fists. _Come on, open up…_he thought impatiently, _I know you're home, your lights are on!_

"Holy hell, I'm coming, I'm COMING!" Knox swung the door open as he pointed a shotgun at Al's head.

"What the hell? Al?" the man narrowed his eyes in annoyance. Behind him Dr. Dreus and two women Al recognized from Central Hospital froze with their brandy glasses in mid-motion.

"Are you TRYING to get yourself shot, you young idiot?" Dr. Knox yelled, "banging on the door like a maniac in the middle of the night! I thought it was Bradley's chimera bastards coming to arrest me!"

"Dr. Dreus, you're here too!" Al couldn't believe his luck. "I'm so glad I found both of you at the same time! Dr. Knox, Dr. Dreus, I'm sorry to interrupt your poker game but you both HAVE to come quick….Colonel Mustang is about to have his baby!"

"Why, of course he is!" Dr. Knox replied flippantly. "The whole country knows about his impeding fatherhood. Bah! That dumb bastard just couldn't wait until morning, could he?" he snorted. "Fine time he picked to breed. That old fool over there," he pointed at Dr. Dreus who happily saluted Al with his glass, "he's so ancient he can't see for shit after ten in the evening. Right now I wouldn't trust him with a door handle, let alone a scalpel! And I, well, the last thing I want after half a bottle of scotch is to get up close and personal with another man's—"

"PLEASE! I don't care how drunk you are and you can be as grumpy as you like," Al said sheepishly, "but you'll help us, right? I know you will…"

"ALRIGHT! Alright…" Knox groaned, realizing that Al wasn't going to give up. "I'll deliver Mustang's kid for old time's sake! Crazy young idiots…in my time people actually _planned _their pregnancies and _warned_ their doctors before they were about to give birth! Don't start gloating yet, Dreus, this fool is _your _patient, so you're coming too! And you, wife, you're a nurse – I'll need a pair of steady hands, so join the party!"

* * *

"Hmmm," Dr. Knox leaned over Mustang and took a long, skeptical look at the man. He traced the contour of Roy's protruding belly with his probing fingers and sighed. "How long has he been like this," he asked Edward, who stared at the unfolding scene with clueless eyes.

"I haven't been like anything, I'm not a corpse Knox," Mustang groaned.

"Contractions started this afternoon," Riza informed the doctor. "It's been a while."

"I think it _is_ too late," Knox concluded, adjusting his glasses. "Wife, where's that short chair I saw earlier. He might need to sit up for the birth. Give me your arm Roy, lean forward a little."

"NO! Lay back down," Dr. Dreus banged his cane on Knox's shoulder, pushing his colleague away from Roy, who was now thoroughly confused.

"Get away from my patient, you old charlatan!" Dr. Dreus demanded. "Fine obstetrician you are Knox! There is obviously plenty of time to do a cesarean. Shoo! Shoo! Stand back and watch an expert deliver a new life into this world!"

"NO! We're doing it MY way," Knox hissed, shoving his colleague back. "You're too drunk to be objective! After this many hours of labor it's too late to do a c-section. The baby is just too far down. He'll have to – "

"Is the baby born yet?" right at that moment Lieutenant Havoc swung the bedroom door wide open with an enormous grin on his soot-covered face. The door overturned the bucket of hot water Hawkeye prepared for the delivery, showering Dr. Knox's wife from head to toe. The woman screamed and retaliated by slapping her husband as hard as she could.

"Only YOU would think that a drunken poker game followed by a mad rush to deliver your MALE army buddy's baby was a proper way to refresh our marital wows!" she screamed.

"Be quiet," Knox hissed, pulling on Mustang's leg, "I'm BUSY, can't you tell?"

"You…are busy," Mrs. Knox demanded furiously, as she pulled helplessly on her ruined cocktail dress. "Well of course you are! NOW I remember why I divorced you in the first place!"

"Put his leg back down before I caned you Knox!" Dr. Dreus warned, "I'm preparing my patient for the cesarean section and you're over-exerting him for no reason!"

"No, I'm NOT!" Dr. Knox yelled back defensively. "He's having this kid the way nature intended and you can't stop me!"

Dr. Dreus bristled and wacked Dr. Knox with his cane as hard as his elderly arms would allow.

"Charlatan!" he exclaimed. "I'll show you the natural way! He's MY patient!"

* * *

"This is surreal," Hawkeye pinched the tip of her nose as the two doctors escalated from pushing and shoving each other to a full-scale fist fight. Dr. Knox was younger, but Dr. Dreus had a cane and he knew how to use it effectively. Mrs. Knox joined the fight, while Al struggled to break up the brawl.

Mustang took short shallow breaths as he watched the unfolding show with a mixture of amusement and horror, but then his body begun to do things he didn't quite intend for it to.

He observed Hawkeye hurrying to get another bucket of hot water, he saw Al trying to pry the two furious doctors apart, and he saw Edward, apologetic and terrified, reaching out to hug him. And then he saw a huge rat with a glossy coat leap out from the hood of Edward's jacket. The rat landed heavily onto the corner of the bed, bounced a little, and scurried across the floor toward Lieutenant Havoc, who cursed loudly, reached for his weapon and begun to fire at the rat.

_These people are crazy. ALL OF THEM! _Mustang mused with a mounting sense of panic. _I want these idiots to stop making noise, firing their guns, and punching each other! I want this pain to stop. And I want this fucking kid out of me….!_ Exhausted from hours of labor and brought to the brink of insanity with the never-ending craziness of life, Roy found screaming very cathartic. It also brought the craziness to the standstill.

Roy vaguely remembered the doctors telling him to push harder, Riza telling him to breath deeper, Al promising him that it was almost over and Edward begging him to remain conscious. But mostly he remembered the terrible pressure and pain and the sound of Lieutenant Havoc hitting the floor, having fainted at the sight of real childbirth.


	16. Chapter 16

**CHAPTER 16 – The Other Side of Joy**

"You really _could_ stop screaming now," Riza sighed, slowly blinking her tired eyes. "It's been a very long night Colonel and your serenade isn't easy on the ears. Just…Shhhh."

Roy quickly sunk all thirty-two of his teeth into the finger Hawkeye gently placed over his lips.

"I…will stop screaming…when I FEEL like it!" he declared, glaring at his subordinate as she yanked her injured hand away. Mustang was past caring about appearances. The pain was so unbearable and he was so beyond patience with the universe that screaming hardly seemed inappropriate under the circumstances. "I will kill you Ed! I _will_ have my…revenge..." Roy murmured, finally collapsing back onto the pillow in hopeless exhaustion. He was drenched in sweat and even though his skin was burning he still felt chilled. Slight tremors made their way from the tips of his fingers up to his forearms and biceps when he tried to make a fist. _What an embarrassment, I think I just squeezed my ego out with the baby…_

"What?" he hissed without opening his eyes. "Why did you all get quiet all of a sudden?" Roy wanted to feel like he was _done_. Really done. He craved the feeling of nonchalance and detachment with which he strolled through life before, but instead he felt a pang of anxiety rising up from the bottom of his gut. _Why isn't the baby crying? They're supposed to do that, right? _He just couldn't seem to focus on himself or his tortured and sweaty body anymore. "What's wrong?" he asked again, now seriously alarmed.

"She's just so…incredible," Edward replied after a long pause. Most babies cry when they're born, and our daughter…she's got the biggest smile on her face!" Roy chocked a little on the long breath he was trying to take. _I have a daughter…and this little woman is already laughing at me! _

"I want to hold her," he said, trying clumsily to set up, but the pain seared through his body as soon as he tried to move. His arms felt as if they were stuffed with feathers or cotton balls. In fact, Roy had a hard time lifting his head off the pillow.

"Don't you move an inch!" Both doctors screeched in union.

"There is a reason why I handed the baby to Edward," Mrs. Knox scolded, "you're so weak you won't be able to lift up your arms or hold on to her dear."

"Nonsense," Mustang rolled his eyes resentfully, "I had a kid, I wasn't hit by a mortar shell! Quit fussing over me. All I need is a long shower and a long nap."

"Are you sure Ed and not Major Armstrong gave you this miracle?" Dr. Knox chucked as he prepared a bitter mixture of medicines for Roy to drink. "She weighs ten pounds, if not more. Biggest baby I've ever seen."

"And wipe that smirk off your face immediately, Colonel. You are very lucky to be alive and you will take your injuries seriously if you know what's good for you!" Dr. Dreus shook his finger at bristling Mustang. "Childbirth kills more women than you know and this birth was pretty disastrous. You lost so much blood I'm surprised you haven't fainted or worse. It'll be a long time before you can walk at all and you'll be sore for a good month or two. Forget about exercise until summer. No sex, no alcohol…you know the drill. Eat like you're still pregnant, baby this size will want a lot of milk and no dieting, the milk must be nutritious. I'll stop by tomorrow to check on both of you."

Dr. Dreus tipped his fedora hat to the group and motioned for Knox and his wife to follow him out.

"I do believe we have a poker game to finish?" he said to his companions. "I was on the winning streak as you might recall."

"Also…," Dr. Dreus stuck his head back into the room, "if you want more children I suggest you wait at least a year to conceive the second one. And next time, do schedule a c-section, sir. Giving birth the natural way is just not good for your health."

Mustang narrowed his eyes in rage and looked for something to throw, but he gave up after realizing that he really didn't have the strength to lift up his arm.

"No sex…no alcohol…no exercise…and did he just say breastfeeding!" Roy exclaimed with disgust, "He can't be serious! I'm not spending another year with leaking tits, out-of-shape, and having to stuff my face! Baby will just have to adjust her dietary preferences. I have to get back to work!"

"You didn't _really_ think you were going to be _done _after the baby came out, did you Colonel?" Hawkeye lovingly patted Roy's forearms as she got up to leave. "Fatherhood is a lifelong affair Sir, childbirth was just the beginning. Now the real work begins."

"Oh don't be so venomous little Roy, or your milk will be bitter!" Madame Christmas stuck her head into the room with a tired grin. By now her normally glamorous hair was up in pink rolls. "Since the screaming performance was over I figured I'd check in on my grandbaby," she smiled. "Come Ed, give us the baby. Winry and I are very rested, we'll take good care of your princess while you sorry bunch get yourselves some sleep."

Edward was holding onto the baby with such desperation that his fingers were growing numb. He was just as paralyzed with a mixture of joy and speechless horror at the idea of fatherhood as Roy was, he just wasn't as vocal about it as his lover. In fact, he couldn't speak at all.

"Ed! Ed! Is everything alright, you're scaring us!" Ed finally looked up to see Winry and Al standing over him and realized that they have been calling his name for a while now.

"Sorry," he grinned sheepishly. "I just spaced out, I guess. It's only 11pm and the whole world has changed. What a night, huh? I…" he wanted to jump up and hug Winry and Al and Madam Christmas, he wanted to say so many things to Roy and to Hawkeye and to hapless Lieutenant Havoc who dozed off in the corner a while ago. But all he could do was to allow two sparkling tears to escape the corners of his eyes.

"There will be time for talking tomorrow," Winry whispered as she carefully took the sleeping child out of Edward's arms. "Tonight feeling…feeling things is enough." Tears were running down her cheeks as well and soon not a pair of eyes in the room remained dry, but they were happy tears and Ed allowed himself to smile.

"I'm still going to kill you Fullmetal," Roy smiled back, beckoning for Edward to come closer, "but tonight I'd rather not make any plans for the future. Yet."

* * *

"For the love of all that is holy, WHAT is it!" Roy growled, angrily batting away the persistent hand that was squeezing his shoulder. His barely open eyes were trying to focus in the room filled with blue-gray early morning shadows. "It's the asscrack of dawn Fullmetal, the day after I literally gave myself a new one squeezing out _your_ kid! The least you could do is let me sleep for more than five hours!" Ed, who looked just as disheveled and exhausted, pointed at Madam Christmas, who stood next to their bed, holding the squirming baby.

"What's wrong Chris?" Roy asked, yawning. "It's 4:30 AM. She was born just a few hours ago, she can't possibly be sick already?"

"No," Chris smiled mysteriously, "she's just hungry, that's all."

"What am I supposed to do about it?" Roy shrugged. "What do babies eat? Can't you make her something tasty?"

"You can't possibly be that dense," Ed exclaimed. "Did you damage your brain while pushing? Babies can't eat adult food! They eat milk! And last time I checked you had so much of it pouring out of your tities you could feed five babies! In fact…you never gave _me _the milk you promised. I haven't forgotten, you cheat!"

"Do you see horns on my head and a bell around my neck Edward!" Mustang shoved Edward away when his lover attempted playfully to unbutton his shirt. "I'm not a cow! If I start breastfeeding her the milk will keep flowing for months, maybe a year! What am I supposed to do, breastfeed her at my desk at Central!"

"I know you're tired and your gizzards are hurting, but fatherhood is a bitch! Suck it up handsome and let's see'em!" Madame Christmas finally gave Roy her classic annihilating stare. As if on cue little Trisha let out a piercing scream with such decibel force that both Roy and Ed winced in shock, instinctively reaching up to protect their ears.

"Holy hell, alright alright, just give her to me!" Mustang declared, annoyed out of his wits by the screaming and willing to do anything to make it stop. "If it's milk you want lady it's milk you'll have!" He quickly unbuttoned his shirt and sat up as best he could while Ed carefully took his daughter from Madame Christmas and nestled her between himself and his lover so that she could easily reach Roy's nipples but he didn't have to hold her up.

"I'll leave you two to contemplate how lucky you fools are to have each other," Madame Christmas laughed softly on her way out. "I'll come back in half hour to take the little one so you can go back to sleep. Until she needs feeding again."

Ed climbed back into bed next to his lover and rested his head on Roy's shoulder, watching in fascination as little Trisha's lips closed around Roy's right nipple.

"How can something so little and sweet make such horrible loud shrieks?" Edward said thoughtfully as he gently caressed his daughter's soft pink head. She was very strong and energetic for a newborn, and yet her soft pink skin did not feel real in the unnaturally pink morning light.

"She knows exactly what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it," Roy sighed. "That scares me, you know. I don't do well with women like that."

"Me neither," Ed chuckled, "but don't worry, if we raise her like a lady she won't grow into a grizzly bear like General Armstrong."

"I would knock you out cold if I wasn't breastfeeding our daughter," Mustang hissed. "Why did you have to remind me about that intolerable woman! She _is_ a bear and when it comes to promotions, she _is_ fixing to eat my lunch! When I finally take Bradley down, and mark my words I will, there will be a vacuum of power among the higher-ups. That old raccoon Grumman will probably float to the surface because of seniority, but to be sure, he's too much into chess to bother. I know he thinks I got what it takes to be Fuhrer, but he's a sucker for big tits and Olivier Armstrong is secretly known for the best pair in the country!"

"Roy, come on," Ed laughed, playfully punching Roy's shoulder.

"What?" Mustang demanded, "I _know _it's the tits Edward Elric and don't insult my intelligence by arguing otherwise! I served under Grumman long enough to know his tastes in boobs and I know the old guy would give up an arm and a leg to stick his face in between _that _particular pair. It's just not a fair competition between Armstrong and I! If she beats me out of the Fuhrer's chair I swear I will—" Roy paused, sensing Edward's eyes on him. "What?" he asked again.

"Nothing really phases you, does it Colonel?" Edward had stopped listening to Roy's tirade and focused his dry eyes on his lover's moving lips. _The madder he gets the more I want to watch him talk forever. _"Just think of all that we've been through," he said softly, "of all you've been through. One would think that after Bradley's experiments, Hakuro's lust, your pregnancy, exploding buildings, serial killers and difficult delivery you would be done with the military. And yet here you are, still sore from childbirth and already scheming to become Fuhrer. Again."

Roy opened his mouth but he didn't say what he intended to at first. He looked carefully at little Trisha, who by then has stopped nursing and was snoozing happily between her parents.

"I don't think that's really true anymore," he said quietly, leaning into the kiss Edward silently proposed. "I picked up a few new skills through all this mess," he added. "I learned how to really love someone, and how to really fear for them. Love and fear, they motivate me in different ways now. I wanted to reform the military for some abstract people before, now I see who I'm fighting for. The military is a menace to everyone we love Ed and it will continue to be so until Bradley and his Generals finally buy it and are gone for good. Just as you can't run from the hollowness of Al's armor, I can't and I won't run from the military. You are going to find a way to return Al to his body, and I will rule this country. I'm more determined than ever!"

"How fitting then that what stands between you and the Fuhrer's chair is a pair of big tits!" Edward teased, giving Mustang a mean scowl reminiscent of General Armstrong's signature death stare.

"Don't _push_ it Edward Elric!" Mustang sneered back. "I'm still technically your commanding officer, remember?"

Their bickering was interrupted by gunshots, barking and shouting outside. The battle to round up all the loose dogs, convicts, and lunatics that Mustang's men released the night before was obviously continuing. Little Trisha, disturbed by the unfamiliar noises, begun to wail at once.

"Our lives just don't slow down, do they?" Edward murmured, realizing that despite the happy emotional climax of the night before they were still in the middle of a war. This was a brand new day and it was sure to bring brand new threats and disasters.

"Aren't you glad you decided to entangle your life with mine?" Mustang smiled, "just think about it, without my egotistical careerist jackass self you would be snoozing in some countryside home somewhere in farmland, far from all the action."

"That's probably true," Edward nodded, rising up and getting a good long stretch. "And you _are_ an egotistical careerist jackass. But I'm even more crazy about your evil self now than I was when I first met you because now that I know you I can see through your bullshit. Although…ah, nevermind," Ed laughed dismissively.

Both men jumped a little at the persistent knock on the door. It was too early for good news.

"The whole thing is going to hell, Sir," Lieutenant Hawkeye saluted Mustang and spoke without catching her breath. She wore different clothes from the night before but by the looks of her eyes she hasn't slept much either. "You're not going to believe it, Sir," she closed the door and leaned against it. "I think we bit of a bit more than we could chew with last night.,,"


End file.
